About Me

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I am a wife, mother, and step-mom. I am not perfect, but try my best to reduce damage control. I have incredible family and friends that encourage us on this adventure. My mom always told me that motherhood isnt for whimps... and I couldn't agree more!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Daddy Shopping: My Series For Solo-Moms Regarding Dating

So in my last post, I submitted a quiz to assess your readiness to start dating again. There is no doubt that only you can really know if you are ready to start dating again- no quiz can convince you otherwise!! With that being said... here are your results:

If you scored...

Not Ready to meet Freddie (or Pete... or Steve... or John...):
Between 5 and 20 points

You scored on the low end of the readiness spectrum, and that is OK!!! This is a picture of me, when I was a Not Ready 2Meet Freddie. My smile was strained and felt foreign. It was almost painful. I rarely laughed, not for a lack of trying. My thoughts were still consumed with him. The stress is written across my swollen face. Despite the bleakness, I still wished things could work between us. I would fantasize about him coming to his senses seeing what he left. I longed to hear him say he was sorry and he loved me and our daughter more than anything and wanted to get help. I only wanted to hear him say that he wanted to do what it took to make our marriage and family work. I felt awkward without a man. (This is about the time I made the psycho cookies- see Daddy Shopping Part I). I desperately wanted to find a daddy for my daughter, panicked that she would have to possibly go a period of time without one!! My thoughts were consumed with him and what I didnt have about 80% of the time (ok... sometimes, 99% of the time) and this was reflective in my conversation. Everything had to do with him. I had no sense of personal boundaries, let alone the courage to believe I deserved better or demand better. I needed to give myself time to work through the pain, to recreate a peace, and to develop a sense of who I was and what I had to offer. I needed to grieve the loss of my marriage and my dreams of being married to my best friend. I needed to learn to laugh genuinely again. I needed to relearn how to live again. And all of this took time for me to learn to do.
If you are a Not Ready to meet Freddie... fear not- your time will come!

Transitional Rocky Roader
Between 20-40 points

At first things are so rocky you have no appetite. Your life is hectic, working a job to be financially independent, while balancing being a mom... that is just enough to wipe anyone out! Not to mention court dates and custody battles, child support... you feel like you are a walking punching bag. But the more you fight, the more you start to feel like maybe you could do this... you begin to acclimate to the stress and pressure- you begin to adjust and it feels normal eventually... ok, well more normal! Soon you find that you are on the couch commemorating a bad day with rocky road ice cream... because it was only one day- its worth the celebration! You can remember a time not so long ago that having a day without saddness was more worth ice cream than a day with something that needed to be drowned in chocolatey nutty marshmellowy goodness! This was a time I learned to cut myself off from the world- and center myself on me and my princess. Find a place to go, get away from the constant reminder of my failures. Start rebuilding my little world with friends that were my own, things the way I liked them, and places I liked to go. It felt really good. I still had my days that were challenging, days I had to put my boxing gloves back on as I stepped into the ring... but I felt I had more clarity to fight for the things that were worth my effort. I no longer felt like I was blindly swinging wildly in a world I didnt trust... but had focus and clarity in my battles and I began to learn those that were trust worthy again. Things were settling.
It was during this time in my life that I met a really great guy. In my personal opinion this is a grey area to start dating again. My life was still so consumed with my ex- it had to be hard for him to listen to me talk about it. I tried not to, but there were times that I compared him to my ex. I had to learn to leave my emotional cargo at the door- and try to trust again. But things were so different this time around for me. I couldnt expect for my prince charming to come and rescue me, sweep my off my feet, and ride us off into the sunset. My heart wouldnt allow myself to fall blindly in love. I actually found at times that it was more of a calculated choice based on algorithms of stability, family, capability, weakness, and strengths. Falling in love was more a mental choice- rather than a calling of the heart. I had recognized that no one was going to rescue me- I was the only one that was going to be capable to save myself.

Groovin and Movin On
Between 40-60 points

You have finally made it through the rough of it. And although there are times that you still have minor (and occasional major) crashes, most days you breathe easy and freely. You have a routine throughout your day. You have things that you do that have nothing to do with your life before- or even separating yourself from that old life- but just things that you do now. New routines are finally just routines. The drama has finally settled. You have a greater sense of who you are. This gives you the ability to clearly see what you want in a man- and weed out those that dont meet that criteria. You have confidence in your ability to stand on your own two feet. The loneliness that was once a prison- has now become a symbol of independence and freedom. You dont have that insatiable desire to have a man in your life to complete you... you know you are pretty darn complete on your own. You have accepted your failures and learned from them. You have identified where you made poor choices in the past and made solemn vows to choose differently next time. You no longer see light at the end of the tunnel because that tunnel vision has diminished. You have a peace in your soul and it echos in your easy laughter and smiles at life's funny moments. You make time for yourself and your friends. You have goals in life, and are able to have the clarity to work towards them.


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