It hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasnt about the ring... it was about the commitment. I had tried to communicate this a million times I felt. But I nothing had changed.
It was on my 28th birthday two years ago, he told me that he wanted a divorce. That night he overdosed for a second time that month. I was married for 5 years and we had a two year old daughter when we left my husband. Not the best moment of my life. But I walked away with the best he had to offer. She has blue eyes, and the most contagious laugh ever. She kept me from disappearing into my brown couch in my new condo for the first 6 months. I am pretty sure that God knew I needed her to keep me going.
Before I knew it living moment by moment became living month by month. I eventually met a wonderful man. Navigating the paths of dating after marriage are complicated enough, but when you add in a child... it changes EVERYTHING!
I knew the difference between wanting sooo badly to get married (and for me find a daddy for my daughter) and finding a willing participant in that desire; and wanting to marry someone because that is who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. I was fighting my urge to want another baby, a husband, and a father for my child, and finding the right man to earn the right of that position. Time passed and this ticking time bomb finally blew and we broke up- remaining friends.
So, here I am a week before my 30th birthday looking at my future. I do have to say that my 20s was productive. I managed to get married and divorced, gain full custody, find a career, and stand on my own two feet before I was 30. LOL! But this was not how I envisioned myself at 30. I thought I would be preggers with my 2nd baby, and married to my best friend. Cliche, right?I have to learn to adjust my dream: Im enjoying being independent and teaching my young daughter what it means to be a strong woman. One day I hope to fall hopelessly in love with my bestfriend, and he will be hopelessly in love with me. And he will embrace my princess as his own and help to heal her heart. But until that happens, I have to enjoy this time I have now... because I will never get it back!