My Trouble with Finances!

I am a big Audrey Hepburn fan! If you have ever seen the movie Breakfast At Tiffany's... me and Holly Golightly have a lot in common (And not just in the man department!). I have never had a head for numbers. Math was the HARDEST subject for me in school. So, naturally, this carried over into my finances. I HATE numbers!

I am a hard worker and I actually like working! Before I married, the paycheck that I would bring home would certainly be squandered on mindless things, eating out, and of course IMPULSE BUYS! I justified this with the imposed entitlement that I had worked so hard and thought I deserved to treat myself to something special. I would then realize that I needed to pay my bills if I liked to have lights at night and warm water to shower in. So I would call up the utility companies and arrange a payment schedule to pay the bill later. Eventually later catches up with you!

When I was married, I was able to hold down a secure job. I often worked two jobs to make sure that our bills were paid, since the Mr. I-was-married-to often failed in that department. Before his psychological disorder was really severe, he was good at managing our finances. I would give him my paycheck(s), and he would make sure that the bills were paid on time and that we had a little in the bank to splurge on. I loved this! Even when I wanted something special I couldnt have, not being able to have it now was easier just knowing that we were able to save for it later together. We were a team working together for a common goal. I was no longer poor alone and didnt get that overwhelming stressed out pit in my stomach that I was going to wake up to no electricity in the house tomorrow.

As a divorced mom, I have found that I truly miss and NEED that team feeling in my finances. Personal confession: I have taught my daughter that when you have had a bad day- it makes everything better to go shopping. UGH! Right?! I have used retail therapy for almost three years now to help ease the pain of my failed marriage. This has only brought me more stress, anxiety, depression, and ultimately made me feel completely alone. I am embarrassed about my choices and hide them painfully from those closest to me. This makes me feel even further isolated. Bitterness begins to creep in as I get angry at myself and my ex for his inability to pay anything in child support. (Honestly, more money wouldnt matter if I cant manage it period, and I know this.)

I have avoided discussing finances with my princess fearing that it is one more stress to add to the plate a child should never have had to eat to begin with. In my attempt to protect her- I realize that I might be doing her an injustice. I am not giving her an opportunity to be strong where I am weak.

I also realize that by choosing to openly discuss my finances with her- it makes it not MY finances anymore. It is now OUR finances. I will gain a little team member to help us achieve the goals we want to set. I wont feel so alone anymore. No one is as honest as a child is- and this will help me keep things in perspective.

So I have chosen to find a way to create a team with her. I am researching ideas on budgets, savings, and helping her develop the concepts of how money is made and the value of a dollar.

My next post will include a project we are going to try to help illustrate to kids the concept of a budget and help them understand the value of a dollar.

If you have any ideas to help teach children how to manage finances- please let me know!! I love new ideas!

Singing the V-Day Blues?

I knew that Valentine's Day was coming up this month, and for a moment panic set in as I envisioned myself sitting at home on the couch crying my eyes out because I was going to be alone. I pictured that I would pick up my daughter from school and she would have oodles of Valentines from her classmates. We would share a nice dinner at home. And then from 8pm till I finally would be too tired to stay awake I would sit on the couch with a huge pit in my stomach, sadly sickened that I was alone and fearing I would be alone forever.

This was too much for me to endure after surviving the holidays alone- so I decided to make the most of my singledom and take on the roll of cupid!

I found a married couple that rarely gets time to themselves. I didnt have to look far really, I knew my sister could use the weekend away with her hubby. I have watched their kids before, and so I offered to watch them for a night. This made me feel really good knowing that I was helping someone else have that romantic moment. I realized I was not going to be allowed to sit on their couch sulking knowing they were having a good time while I was at their house alone. So- I made plans to throw an 80s dance with the kids that night at the house. I knew this would keep my mind off of my loneliness.

This just might be one of the many amazing things that my mom taught me growing up: When you are giving to others, it makes it hard to feel like you dont have anything. It takes your focus off of yourself and what you dont have, and puts your focus on others and how much you DO have.

Nonetheless, I do have to say that it is OK for there to be some sadness. I think as a society we tend to not know how to handle sadness and grief. We want to move past it quickly as if it is an emotion that should not matter or be addressed. It is normal to be a little bit sad that you were once married and are now alone. That you had that person that you thought was going to be your Forever Valentine and now they are gone. The fact that you are sad, shows that you really did care for that person. If they were an important part of our lives at some point, we wouldnt be sad but rather indifferent. You may not be grieving that person per say, but you are grieving those dreams that you lost. With this being said, I do think that it is important to not let this emotion to overcome you. Maybe set a certain time away for you to think about those things and give them validation. This will actually help you to keep your emotions intact and avoid becoming numb to the pain because youre not allowing yourself to address it. After the kids go to bed, plan on taking a bubble bath with some candles. I always feel better if I cry in the bath tub; and maybe because I know when I get out of the tub, it is time to rinse that bad mojo off and start fresh. There is something that is so incredibly hopeful about starting fresh.

Happy Valentines Day!

Nature's Calling Your Name!

This is a fun and virtually free activity with your little one! All you need is a camera and a good eye to see things outside the box! My daughter and I went to the park to get out in the sunshine. We picked a community with lots of trails and parks to ride to.

Along the way we looked for the letters in our environment and the architecture to spell out her name.

For example, we found the 'S' in the bike rack.

We found our 'N' in the springs on a playground toy.

I used my iPhone to take the pics. I use snapseed (I got it free), but you can use any photo editing software, or nothing at all. I like the photo editing software because it allowed me to make the letters standout more. Put all the pics together to make your child's name, the alphabet, or anything!

 

Dating Hiatus Discoveries: Scared with Good Reason

The other night, right before my last post was online, I received an early morning text message from the insomniac photographer (Contestant #4). I hadnt heard from him since we both wished the other good luck in life. I'll paraphrase the text:

For whatever reason you crossed my mind. I have never met anyone as scared as you. Im sure you'd be offended by the statement, "I feel sorry for you" or you'd blow it off or possibly out of proportion... but I do. You're a good girl trapped by fear...

...I hope you eventually meet the right guy but I imagine that the most likely situation will be just what feels safe, not what is truly right... I hope for your sake I'm wrong...

He was dead right... I was extremely offended! How dare he accuse me of being scared?! I was the one that blew him off! It wasnt because I was scared! It was because he just wasnt right for me!! Seriously?! What a JERK!

A week or two passed and I started to think about his words. They got under my skin and were festering. I was thinking about them, they were bothering me. Why was I allowing this guy that had met me twice and knew me primarily through text message say something that seriously bothered my heart? It wasnt that I wanted to text him back. I took painful measures to close that can of worms! Could it be that he took a stab in the dark and was actually right? Am I scared? What am I afraid of? Do I have reason to be afraid?

Suddenly I the lights came on, and there was his dagger. He had hit his mark dead on. He was correct.

I am terrified, not just scared. I am afraid of making the wrong choice and failing again. I HATE BEING DIVORCED. I hate listening to my little girl tell me as tears stream down her face that she wishes that Daddy and me never broke up. I would NEVER have chosen this, and yet I know all too well that the success and failure of a marriage doesnt rely primarily on one person. I am so desperately afraid of choosing a man that after another 5 years decides we have just grown apart and wants a divorce. I want to succeed, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. I mean those words with all my heart, with every fiber of my being really. I choose not to waiver in my promise. I want so badly a man that makes my heart skip, that makes my knees weaken, that makes my soul smile, that also means those words with every fiber of his being and wont waiver.

I have excellent reason to be afraid. She is 5 years old and has blue eyes and dimples. She has the sweetest laugh that is so contagious. She has experienced the worst heart break as she has continually watches her dream of "Daddy" die knowing he can be a part of her life, but chooses not to. It isnt about me anymore. This is so much bigger than me. I need to find a man that will show her what a real man is in all areas of his life.

I know the thin line that will need to be walked between a man that makes my knees weak and heart melt, and a man that adores my little girl as much as she will be excited to have a man in her life again. It is a delicate balance full of gray areas. I know a man that is good with her makes my knees weak, what single mom would deny this? Nothing is more attractive than a man that is good with your kids! I also know it isnt the same weakness as pure attraction. Like a good friend once told me, "You have to be in sync with him because kids grow up and move out, and you will still be sharing a life together."

So am I scared?? YES!!! Do I have good reason to fear? YES!!! Is it ok to be scared?? ABSOLUTELY. If I didnt fear, I might question if I really learned anything from my history to prevent it from repeating itself. Fear is like the ocean, it can be so powerful and demands respect. It can push, pull, batter, and drown. It also can be a source of transportation, recreation, and amazing beauty and life. We need to yield to our fears, but not let our fears control us.

So, contestant #4 was absolutely right; just not right for me.

Here comes the next contestant...

I have recently begun a dating hiatus. I felt that I was so worn down and burnt out on first dates, I begun to compromise what I wanted just to avoid having to start over at the drawing board again.  I have diligently and actively been attempting to find Mr. Right on-line since about July or August of last year. After many hours of chatting on the websites, having awkward phone conversations and text chats, and a handful of first dates- I have learned that if I want to make millions I just need to write a book chronicling my experiences. I do officially have enough for a stand-up comedy act. And yet, I am left completely discouraged by the entire experience. So I think that it is time to start rethinking my methods of madness, which has inspired my current hiatus.

Lets take a quick look back at the characters that made me gush and the ones that I wanted to flush! 

(Identities will be obscured to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent!)

Contestant #1: Is that a gun on your hip... Or are you just happy to see me??

Status: Single, never married, no children, employed
This guy was involved in law enforcement of the most secretive kind. He was the first that I met in-person for coffee. He told me all about himself as we sipped coffee in the summer sun. He was handsome, intelligent, capable, cultured and funny! So when he asked if I wanted to upgrade the date to dinner, I excitedly obliged. He told me that conditions of dinner was that he would now get to hold my hand as we strolled through the parking lot to Applebees. I was elated. We enjoyed a two for $20. He talked a lot. He had a lot to say. Stories about work, stories about travels. I enjoyed his company, and agreed to a second date (but not before discovering he was packing heat!!) Since I am a modern woman with traditional values, I drove to him to meet for dinner. He strangely hurried me into the house, and was extremely paranoid his neighbors would see me! When one neighbor rang his door bell, he asked me to hide in the kitchen! Needless to say, this set off ALL of my bells and whistles! Next contestant please!!

Contestant #2: What size shoes do you wear, because I think I have worn those before!

Status: Wanted to be divorced, one kiddo, employed
Strikingly handsome, amazingly charming, strong, and yet so vulnerable. He had complexity illustrated as plainly as his sensitive eyes and masculine strength. We met online, chit chatted there, then went on to friend request each other on "The Book". We talked on the phone, texted, and skyped. Then we finally met in person. We decided not to call it a date, and just an introduction. I liked him instantly. He brought down my walls with the ease of his smile. He had the charm of a gentleman. We had a lot in common, and it was easy to talk to him. I was INCREDIBLY attracted to him physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I could see me spending the rest of my life with a guy LIKE him. The problem? He wasnt ready to move forward yet. He had told me he was divorced online, then told me it would be finalized in 6 months, then admitted they hadnt filed yet, but fully intended to. I remembered being in his shoes. I was frustrated that my ex had moved on, and I wanted to do the same. I wasnt ready and readiness cant be forced. I hoped we could be friends, but as we both continued to join other dating sites, we were inevitably matched: eHarmony, Match.com, etc... It made for an awkward goodbye. Good guy, bad timing.

Contestant #3: Fireman fireman number eight, saw our marriage as his fate!

Status: Divorced. Step-son. Employed
I am pretty sure that if you looked up Quirky in the dictionary, you might find contestant #3's portrait. The night we were matched online, we in-boxed each other, texted, then talked on the phone for two hours. We decided to meet the next morning for coffee. When we met for coffee there seemed to be instant chemistry, well on his side at least. We went window shopping after, and he held my hand as we strolled the isles of the store. He talked about the house that we would have together and the children we would have. (Maybe this was red flag #1? Instant unfounded attachment.) He also had libraries full of sad, bitter stories. In every one of his bitter fairytales he played the victim. Our second date was a corn maze. He had no idea that this was more of a dissection for me than an actual date. I meticulously watched as he darted and ran through the corn maze trying to find the end; he was all about the destination rather than the journey. A destination man changes the pace of the journey. I picked his brain on politics, religion, family, career, etc and he jogged through the corn searching for the end. I felt he had potential, or maybe it was the beginning of my desperation and first date burn out? My dissection was mistaken for interest, and he said "I Love You" after the second date. Our third date was to church. That was awkward, especially for him I am sure, but I appreciated his attempt! Our fourth (second technical) date, he wanted to surprise me. He got to my house, and explained we were going to get "couple massages". This shot fear through my entire body painfully. I had barely kissed this guy, let alone get anywhere naked with him! Nonetheless, I was willing to oblige and would figure out a modest place to undress pre-massage if needed. Before leaving, a sudden automic bomb was innocently dropped blowing any sort of future to shreds. While making conversation, I casually asked him about his relationship with his step-son he fathered for 10 years prior to his divorce. He told me he did not have a relationship with him. That is a TOTAL deal breaker for me. I was panicked as I felt pressured to go to this couples massage, but knew we would no longer be dating. I didnt know how or what to say but knew the clock was ticking. I had to get out! We were in the room about to undress when I blurted out, "This isnt going to work". Maybe not the best timing, and for some this would have never been a red flag, let alone a deal breaker. For me, it was a "Do Not Pass Go". He was visibly upset as he drove me home massage-less and attempted to change my mind in every way possible. Finally he got that it was over and eventually left me alone.

Contestant #4: We almost "clicked"

Stats: Single- engaged once, never married, no kids, self-employed
Incredibly handsome with striking eyes that made my heart melt. Amazingly funny and full of humorous one-liners that kept me giggling for the first 4-hour phone conversation we had. He entertained my heart as much as my soul. He had incredible depth and perception. I felt like I got him and he got me on a level that I had never known with anyone else. It was like a secret language almost. I know everyone has a sad story to tell. It is ok to have sad stories; bitter stories are a different situation. He talked a lot about his bitter stories, A LOT! (So much I finally asked if he was still in love with his ex girlfriend! That was awkward!) He had two major novels on his bookcase of his heart and each one was full of fear from past wrongs. He, too, played the role of victim in the stories he told. He was unable to take responsibility, and this seemed to be a personal theme of his. Contestant #4 was a talented photographer. He shot anything from weddings, to family pics, to sports, and art. He was incredibly talented, and as an uninvolved person I could appreciate his art. His art as an involved person was a conflict for me. It involved nudity in it's most beautiful form. It was no where near pornography and extremely classy and completely artistic in every way. I really loved a lot of the prints. Yet, thinking of my man going to shoot a woman nude, sent anxiety shooting through my core. It wasn't because of an absurd moral conflict; but rather my fear of loosing my heart to infidelity again. He couldnt understand this and took it as a personal offense that someone may not support his art. He also showed tendencies to loose his cool in situations that never warranted anger or even disapproval. He showed signs of being manipulative and controlling. We were too early in a relationship to begin to illustrate any of it.  All of this screamed "RED FLAG" so loud it was breath taking. I tried to end it- I knew we didnt have a future. But I was also conflicted; I was tired of breaking hearts. So, I choose to keep communicating with him. This lasted another week or so before deciding to wage war on him. Yes, war. If I got HIM to "break up" with ME, I would not have to deal with his psudo-broken heart or convincing arguments. It was brilliant!! So I implemented my own little campaign of Shock & Awe. Everything I had heard other male friends complain women did, I did. I made mountains out of mole hills, I was overly emotional and sarcastic and unavailable and critical, I even exploited his personal fears. What I had planned to be a 10-day assault (Inspired by the movie: How to loose a guy in 10 days), I successfully accomplished in two days!

All of this said and done I have learned a few things. This a section I would like to call:

You might have a red flag

1. If he is always the bitter victim done wrong, and never the hero, you might have a red flag.
2. If he takes you to a clinical setting to pressure you to remove clothing, you might have a red flag.
3. If he cries as he drives you home because you said it wouldnt work, you might have a red flag.
4. If he shoots naked people, or violates your personal boundaries in the same way, you might have a red flag.
5. If he is more attached to his glock, mom, or medical marijuana, (aka: something youre not ready to live with in your life) you might have a red flag.
6. If he hides you in his kitchen when the door bell rings, you might have a red flag.
7. If he demonstrates controlling, manipulative, possessive and temper driven tendencies, you might have a red flag.
8. If he is unwilling to take responsibility, you might have a red flag.
9. If he constantly talks about ex's, and I mean more than a mention or two, you might have a red flag.
...AND finally 10. If he is still technically married because he hasnt yet filed for D, and you want marriage, SADLY you might have a red flag.

I am really excited about this dating hiatus and looking forward to relaxing and not trying to find Mr. Right. Instead I will be focusing on improving myself financially, and establishing myself for the future. I promise to include these doings in future posts, in-case any of y'all are interested or need the same help!

A Lesson In Recycling

Super T has recently learned about recycling at school. I thought it might be a good idea to help her get a hands-on idea of what recycling really is and how it saves us money and saves our planet!

Tristyn and I use scraps of used paper to make new paper! Homemade paper!! 

This project is fun and super messy! 

Here is what you need:
A food processor
Scraps of paper
Water
A screen (It might be easier to put the screen into an embroidery hoop to give it some rigidity.)
A large basin or pot
towels
Rolling pin
Dehydrator... this is not needed... but for our purposes of receiving instant gratification it was helpful!

Vision

Hindsight: 20/20

I struggle to decipher between fear and intuition. I was thinking about what it was like before I married my ex. I can remember feeling like there was something wrong with the situation and I should just walk away, drop the engagement, and cancel the wedding plans. We rushed into engagement with mach speed. I just wanted to be married and I thought that no matter what, I could make things work as long as we both committed to never quitting. I can remember talking to a wonderful friend of mine and telling him that I wasn't sure. Was this cold feet? Was I scared? Or was there more to this? Turns out I might have followed my intuition and saved myself a lifetime of grief and pain, but then again I would never have my sweet daughter that lightens up my every day. Nonetheless, I wont do it again. I wont force something that just isn't working. I am afraid my hindsight sharpened causing my foresight to weaken sometimes.

Rose Colored Lenses

These days I feel bound by logic. Yes, logic is a good thing when considering future dads for my angel. I need to have a clear unbiased view of a man before entering into a lifelong commitment. With that being said, I am afraid my attraction is based on stats. What happened to physical attraction? What happened to carnal lusts? What happened to passionate kisses? That excitement and longing to be next to that one and feel their skin on yours. That passion that makes you constantly want to touch each other and never let go!! The complete awareness of their touch that makes your heart melt and walls crumble. The kiss that makes you weak. The first person that you want to talk to in the morning, and the last voice you want to hear at night? The kind of chemistry that leads to an intimate trust that holds a marriage together when things aren't easy. I don't want to cloud any clear view I may have. I know that sexual attraction can create rose colored lenses. Rose colored lenses seem to melt away his flaws and through them you see him as everything you want him to be- which is not ever the truth. Yet still, that rosy vision that induces desire is important and completely missing from me.Why?!

Distorted Lenses

It has been so long since I have found a man that I know would be both good for us, and I am sinfully attracted to. I wonder sometimes if I am capable of it. I was talking with a close friend recently about this. Hypothetically: I was being given the chance to have it all. He was sweet and kind, made me laugh, made me feel incredibly beautiful, wanted to adore me and my daughter. The catch was I had to marry him in a week. My reaction: I was frozen in fear... or was it intuition?? She brought up a valid point: My ex, whom I was on all accounts very much in love with despite everything, tried to kill himself. He had decided that it would be better for him to die than to live the rest of his life with me. Her words brought me back immediately to that pain I buried. I remember picking him up from the Psych Hospital and reading his discharge papers: Person or Thing that Triggers You... My wife. All this anger comes boiling to the service as tears run down my face just thinking about that moment. I gave him everything, my happiness was hinged on his happiness. And yet, it was triggering his desire to end his life. My mom said it really all made sense, I was the person closest to him. This reality forced me to pull off the distorted lenses I was viewing my life with. I was in a fog that distorted weakness for strength, abuse for love, and an incapable dependent for an husband. It is easier to handle viewing my reality in those distorted lenses. The less reality I saw, the less painful it was.

High Definition

I was watching Sponge Bob with my daughter one day on a hi-def TV. It wasn't the same, as the soft cartoon-like lines that created the characters, were now digital pixels. This distracted me greatly from the joy of that cartoon!! I find myself looking at men through the High Definition Lenses, suddenly every imperfection, every annoying laugh, every nose hair, is amplified. The mystery is gone. There he is in all of his realistic definition. I have tested him and charted his responses, categorized him and rated him accordingly. I have deliberately and painfully managed to dissect him completely exposing his strengths and weaknesses to eliminate my fear of the unknown, or my fear of being hurt. Sometimes this is a good thing, as I can quickly discern quality. And yet, I find if they make sense on paper, and they can and want to give me everything that I am asking and wanting, the high definition is too much for my libido to handle. I am no longer attracted to them. Maybe it is because the mystery is lost. Maybe because I have viewed them from every angle assessing him in different environments, taken him apart to see what makes him tick. Demystification resulted in a loss of interest, although it seemed to intensify my assurance in capability. Truth is, I don't want my life to be viewed in hi-def either. There has to be balance.


Maybe It Is Time To Ditch The Glasses
I currently wear glasses, mostly at work. Truth be told, I can be a shy person. For some reason glasses are somewhat a source of security to me, like a blanket would be for a child. I feel like I need to be challenged to take these lenses I have been viewing men through off. I need to let go of my past hurts and insecurities and start new. I need to view him exactly as he is, and not over analyze his every move and therefore demystify myself. I need to see him through my eyes, and decide if there is that passionate attraction that can keep a  marriage together through the rough times. I need to stop over analyzing, and simply be realistic. Perfection warrants perfection. I am no way near perfect. But I do know that I am amazing, and therefore warrant amazing. Amazing is what I will aim for.