Beware: Compatible Needs Doesnt Always Equate to Compatibility

His Needs: Marriage, Wife, Family. 

My Needs: Marriage, Husband, Father. 

A marriage MUST be built on more concrete compatibility than needs alone.

All too often I have found that after going on a date or two with a guy- he has all too quickly fallen in love. At first, I thought that I suddenly possessed some type of Love Voodoo that I was subconsciously casting. (I had never had this kind of a problem when I was dating before I was married!) 

It has taken me three years to come to the conclusion that it isnt me theyre in love with. It is the idea of the entire package I bring to the table that could potentially fill their needs: Family.

It is appreciated when men understand that single/solo parents are not dating for a free dinner out. Our time is valuable because we dont have a lot of it to dispose frivolously. We are not only shopping mates to help us raise our kids and complete the traditional picture of what a family looks like, but attempting to find someone to share life with and grow old with as a best friend and lover.

Instead of coming to the table with "baggage" as so often our society fools us to believe, we come to the table with very precious packages- the hearts of our children.

For some men, this is all they have ever wanted was to be a husband and a dad- to have a family. What a gift to find a man with this desire!

They may want to rescue us from the hardships of being a single/solo parent, and give to the child/children that father figure they are missing. This is a noble quality when earned!

HOWEVER, THIS DOES NOT MEAN THERE IS A LIKELINESS IN COMPATIBILITY!!!

Here are some things to think about when dating:

1. Honestly consider why your attracted to him: If it is because he would make a good dad, has a good job, and wants to get married- what will sustain your marriage, your relationship with each other, after the vows are said and the novelty has worn off. Do you really have anything in common? Where do you connect?
2. Beware of the relationship that moves too fast: Although I am sure that your charmingly sweet- If he is attached before a real connection has been made, it is entirely possible he is in love with the idea of what you represent and not you. As a single/solo mom you represent an instant family, security, acceptance, love, and stability. Who wouldnt want that? Being in love with the idea of what you bring to the table is not the same as being in love with you and the amazing person you are. 
3. Do not move too fast physically. This tends to cloud the judgement of women and doesnt allow for accurate discernment in these areas. Lust and Love are easily confused.
4. Dont be afraid to say: This isnt working for me. If he is upset- it isnt because he is upset he is loosing you after a couple dates out... he is upset that his premature dreams of having an instant (and unearned) family has been lost. The earlier you know and tell him, the easier it will be.
5. He should want to earn his role in your family. This isnt a consolation prize given out to the first man that pops the question without merit. A real man will honor your time with your children knowing he is not a priority in your busy life. He will attempt to make your life easier (ie: helping with household chores while he is around WITHOUT ASKING.). He will deposit into your life rather than deduct.
6. He wont pressure you to move faster than you're comfortable. Single/solo moms have complete control in their worlds- and although we may want to relinquish some of that control- it isnt something we are willing to hand over to the first Tom or Joe that shows up roses in hand without showing their capabilities.
7. Connections: Physical, Emotional, Spiritual... : There are many layers to compatibility, connections and attraction. Do you have enough to satisfy your needs?

Dont be afraid to leave your children out of the picture in order to get to know him better. This not only helps to protect their little hearts, but also allows you be an adult. If he wants to meet them earlier than youre comfortable - say no. If you dont protect your children- no one else will. 

Don't be afraid to be picky! You have a second chance to get it right. Dont be hasty in your choice. Dont compromise out of desperation. Be patient and have confidence that YOU have something that is worth the complete package of personal compatibility that will last past the 'I Do', past the empty nest, and past the future grandkids.  

Dating Hiatus Discoveries: Scared with Good Reason

The other night, right before my last post was online, I received an early morning text message from the insomniac photographer (Contestant #4). I hadnt heard from him since we both wished the other good luck in life. I'll paraphrase the text:

For whatever reason you crossed my mind. I have never met anyone as scared as you. Im sure you'd be offended by the statement, "I feel sorry for you" or you'd blow it off or possibly out of proportion... but I do. You're a good girl trapped by fear...

...I hope you eventually meet the right guy but I imagine that the most likely situation will be just what feels safe, not what is truly right... I hope for your sake I'm wrong...

He was dead right... I was extremely offended! How dare he accuse me of being scared?! I was the one that blew him off! It wasnt because I was scared! It was because he just wasnt right for me!! Seriously?! What a JERK!

A week or two passed and I started to think about his words. They got under my skin and were festering. I was thinking about them, they were bothering me. Why was I allowing this guy that had met me twice and knew me primarily through text message say something that seriously bothered my heart? It wasnt that I wanted to text him back. I took painful measures to close that can of worms! Could it be that he took a stab in the dark and was actually right? Am I scared? What am I afraid of? Do I have reason to be afraid?

Suddenly I the lights came on, and there was his dagger. He had hit his mark dead on. He was correct.

I am terrified, not just scared. I am afraid of making the wrong choice and failing again. I HATE BEING DIVORCED. I hate listening to my little girl tell me as tears stream down her face that she wishes that Daddy and me never broke up. I would NEVER have chosen this, and yet I know all too well that the success and failure of a marriage doesnt rely primarily on one person. I am so desperately afraid of choosing a man that after another 5 years decides we have just grown apart and wants a divorce. I want to succeed, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. I mean those words with all my heart, with every fiber of my being really. I choose not to waiver in my promise. I want so badly a man that makes my heart skip, that makes my knees weaken, that makes my soul smile, that also means those words with every fiber of his being and wont waiver.

I have excellent reason to be afraid. She is 5 years old and has blue eyes and dimples. She has the sweetest laugh that is so contagious. She has experienced the worst heart break as she has continually watches her dream of "Daddy" die knowing he can be a part of her life, but chooses not to. It isnt about me anymore. This is so much bigger than me. I need to find a man that will show her what a real man is in all areas of his life.

I know the thin line that will need to be walked between a man that makes my knees weak and heart melt, and a man that adores my little girl as much as she will be excited to have a man in her life again. It is a delicate balance full of gray areas. I know a man that is good with her makes my knees weak, what single mom would deny this? Nothing is more attractive than a man that is good with your kids! I also know it isnt the same weakness as pure attraction. Like a good friend once told me, "You have to be in sync with him because kids grow up and move out, and you will still be sharing a life together."

So am I scared?? YES!!! Do I have good reason to fear? YES!!! Is it ok to be scared?? ABSOLUTELY. If I didnt fear, I might question if I really learned anything from my history to prevent it from repeating itself. Fear is like the ocean, it can be so powerful and demands respect. It can push, pull, batter, and drown. It also can be a source of transportation, recreation, and amazing beauty and life. We need to yield to our fears, but not let our fears control us.

So, contestant #4 was absolutely right; just not right for me.

Here comes the next contestant...

I have recently begun a dating hiatus. I felt that I was so worn down and burnt out on first dates, I begun to compromise what I wanted just to avoid having to start over at the drawing board again.  I have diligently and actively been attempting to find Mr. Right on-line since about July or August of last year. After many hours of chatting on the websites, having awkward phone conversations and text chats, and a handful of first dates- I have learned that if I want to make millions I just need to write a book chronicling my experiences. I do officially have enough for a stand-up comedy act. And yet, I am left completely discouraged by the entire experience. So I think that it is time to start rethinking my methods of madness, which has inspired my current hiatus.

Lets take a quick look back at the characters that made me gush and the ones that I wanted to flush! 

(Identities will be obscured to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent!)

Contestant #1: Is that a gun on your hip... Or are you just happy to see me??

Status: Single, never married, no children, employed
This guy was involved in law enforcement of the most secretive kind. He was the first that I met in-person for coffee. He told me all about himself as we sipped coffee in the summer sun. He was handsome, intelligent, capable, cultured and funny! So when he asked if I wanted to upgrade the date to dinner, I excitedly obliged. He told me that conditions of dinner was that he would now get to hold my hand as we strolled through the parking lot to Applebees. I was elated. We enjoyed a two for $20. He talked a lot. He had a lot to say. Stories about work, stories about travels. I enjoyed his company, and agreed to a second date (but not before discovering he was packing heat!!) Since I am a modern woman with traditional values, I drove to him to meet for dinner. He strangely hurried me into the house, and was extremely paranoid his neighbors would see me! When one neighbor rang his door bell, he asked me to hide in the kitchen! Needless to say, this set off ALL of my bells and whistles! Next contestant please!!

Contestant #2: What size shoes do you wear, because I think I have worn those before!

Status: Wanted to be divorced, one kiddo, employed
Strikingly handsome, amazingly charming, strong, and yet so vulnerable. He had complexity illustrated as plainly as his sensitive eyes and masculine strength. We met online, chit chatted there, then went on to friend request each other on "The Book". We talked on the phone, texted, and skyped. Then we finally met in person. We decided not to call it a date, and just an introduction. I liked him instantly. He brought down my walls with the ease of his smile. He had the charm of a gentleman. We had a lot in common, and it was easy to talk to him. I was INCREDIBLY attracted to him physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I could see me spending the rest of my life with a guy LIKE him. The problem? He wasnt ready to move forward yet. He had told me he was divorced online, then told me it would be finalized in 6 months, then admitted they hadnt filed yet, but fully intended to. I remembered being in his shoes. I was frustrated that my ex had moved on, and I wanted to do the same. I wasnt ready and readiness cant be forced. I hoped we could be friends, but as we both continued to join other dating sites, we were inevitably matched: eHarmony, Match.com, etc... It made for an awkward goodbye. Good guy, bad timing.

Contestant #3: Fireman fireman number eight, saw our marriage as his fate!

Status: Divorced. Step-son. Employed
I am pretty sure that if you looked up Quirky in the dictionary, you might find contestant #3's portrait. The night we were matched online, we in-boxed each other, texted, then talked on the phone for two hours. We decided to meet the next morning for coffee. When we met for coffee there seemed to be instant chemistry, well on his side at least. We went window shopping after, and he held my hand as we strolled the isles of the store. He talked about the house that we would have together and the children we would have. (Maybe this was red flag #1? Instant unfounded attachment.) He also had libraries full of sad, bitter stories. In every one of his bitter fairytales he played the victim. Our second date was a corn maze. He had no idea that this was more of a dissection for me than an actual date. I meticulously watched as he darted and ran through the corn maze trying to find the end; he was all about the destination rather than the journey. A destination man changes the pace of the journey. I picked his brain on politics, religion, family, career, etc and he jogged through the corn searching for the end. I felt he had potential, or maybe it was the beginning of my desperation and first date burn out? My dissection was mistaken for interest, and he said "I Love You" after the second date. Our third date was to church. That was awkward, especially for him I am sure, but I appreciated his attempt! Our fourth (second technical) date, he wanted to surprise me. He got to my house, and explained we were going to get "couple massages". This shot fear through my entire body painfully. I had barely kissed this guy, let alone get anywhere naked with him! Nonetheless, I was willing to oblige and would figure out a modest place to undress pre-massage if needed. Before leaving, a sudden automic bomb was innocently dropped blowing any sort of future to shreds. While making conversation, I casually asked him about his relationship with his step-son he fathered for 10 years prior to his divorce. He told me he did not have a relationship with him. That is a TOTAL deal breaker for me. I was panicked as I felt pressured to go to this couples massage, but knew we would no longer be dating. I didnt know how or what to say but knew the clock was ticking. I had to get out! We were in the room about to undress when I blurted out, "This isnt going to work". Maybe not the best timing, and for some this would have never been a red flag, let alone a deal breaker. For me, it was a "Do Not Pass Go". He was visibly upset as he drove me home massage-less and attempted to change my mind in every way possible. Finally he got that it was over and eventually left me alone.

Contestant #4: We almost "clicked"

Stats: Single- engaged once, never married, no kids, self-employed
Incredibly handsome with striking eyes that made my heart melt. Amazingly funny and full of humorous one-liners that kept me giggling for the first 4-hour phone conversation we had. He entertained my heart as much as my soul. He had incredible depth and perception. I felt like I got him and he got me on a level that I had never known with anyone else. It was like a secret language almost. I know everyone has a sad story to tell. It is ok to have sad stories; bitter stories are a different situation. He talked a lot about his bitter stories, A LOT! (So much I finally asked if he was still in love with his ex girlfriend! That was awkward!) He had two major novels on his bookcase of his heart and each one was full of fear from past wrongs. He, too, played the role of victim in the stories he told. He was unable to take responsibility, and this seemed to be a personal theme of his. Contestant #4 was a talented photographer. He shot anything from weddings, to family pics, to sports, and art. He was incredibly talented, and as an uninvolved person I could appreciate his art. His art as an involved person was a conflict for me. It involved nudity in it's most beautiful form. It was no where near pornography and extremely classy and completely artistic in every way. I really loved a lot of the prints. Yet, thinking of my man going to shoot a woman nude, sent anxiety shooting through my core. It wasn't because of an absurd moral conflict; but rather my fear of loosing my heart to infidelity again. He couldnt understand this and took it as a personal offense that someone may not support his art. He also showed tendencies to loose his cool in situations that never warranted anger or even disapproval. He showed signs of being manipulative and controlling. We were too early in a relationship to begin to illustrate any of it.  All of this screamed "RED FLAG" so loud it was breath taking. I tried to end it- I knew we didnt have a future. But I was also conflicted; I was tired of breaking hearts. So, I choose to keep communicating with him. This lasted another week or so before deciding to wage war on him. Yes, war. If I got HIM to "break up" with ME, I would not have to deal with his psudo-broken heart or convincing arguments. It was brilliant!! So I implemented my own little campaign of Shock & Awe. Everything I had heard other male friends complain women did, I did. I made mountains out of mole hills, I was overly emotional and sarcastic and unavailable and critical, I even exploited his personal fears. What I had planned to be a 10-day assault (Inspired by the movie: How to loose a guy in 10 days), I successfully accomplished in two days!

All of this said and done I have learned a few things. This a section I would like to call:

You might have a red flag

1. If he is always the bitter victim done wrong, and never the hero, you might have a red flag.
2. If he takes you to a clinical setting to pressure you to remove clothing, you might have a red flag.
3. If he cries as he drives you home because you said it wouldnt work, you might have a red flag.
4. If he shoots naked people, or violates your personal boundaries in the same way, you might have a red flag.
5. If he is more attached to his glock, mom, or medical marijuana, (aka: something youre not ready to live with in your life) you might have a red flag.
6. If he hides you in his kitchen when the door bell rings, you might have a red flag.
7. If he demonstrates controlling, manipulative, possessive and temper driven tendencies, you might have a red flag.
8. If he is unwilling to take responsibility, you might have a red flag.
9. If he constantly talks about ex's, and I mean more than a mention or two, you might have a red flag.
...AND finally 10. If he is still technically married because he hasnt yet filed for D, and you want marriage, SADLY you might have a red flag.

I am really excited about this dating hiatus and looking forward to relaxing and not trying to find Mr. Right. Instead I will be focusing on improving myself financially, and establishing myself for the future. I promise to include these doings in future posts, in-case any of y'all are interested or need the same help!

Vision

Hindsight: 20/20

I struggle to decipher between fear and intuition. I was thinking about what it was like before I married my ex. I can remember feeling like there was something wrong with the situation and I should just walk away, drop the engagement, and cancel the wedding plans. We rushed into engagement with mach speed. I just wanted to be married and I thought that no matter what, I could make things work as long as we both committed to never quitting. I can remember talking to a wonderful friend of mine and telling him that I wasn't sure. Was this cold feet? Was I scared? Or was there more to this? Turns out I might have followed my intuition and saved myself a lifetime of grief and pain, but then again I would never have my sweet daughter that lightens up my every day. Nonetheless, I wont do it again. I wont force something that just isn't working. I am afraid my hindsight sharpened causing my foresight to weaken sometimes.

Rose Colored Lenses

These days I feel bound by logic. Yes, logic is a good thing when considering future dads for my angel. I need to have a clear unbiased view of a man before entering into a lifelong commitment. With that being said, I am afraid my attraction is based on stats. What happened to physical attraction? What happened to carnal lusts? What happened to passionate kisses? That excitement and longing to be next to that one and feel their skin on yours. That passion that makes you constantly want to touch each other and never let go!! The complete awareness of their touch that makes your heart melt and walls crumble. The kiss that makes you weak. The first person that you want to talk to in the morning, and the last voice you want to hear at night? The kind of chemistry that leads to an intimate trust that holds a marriage together when things aren't easy. I don't want to cloud any clear view I may have. I know that sexual attraction can create rose colored lenses. Rose colored lenses seem to melt away his flaws and through them you see him as everything you want him to be- which is not ever the truth. Yet still, that rosy vision that induces desire is important and completely missing from me.Why?!

Distorted Lenses

It has been so long since I have found a man that I know would be both good for us, and I am sinfully attracted to. I wonder sometimes if I am capable of it. I was talking with a close friend recently about this. Hypothetically: I was being given the chance to have it all. He was sweet and kind, made me laugh, made me feel incredibly beautiful, wanted to adore me and my daughter. The catch was I had to marry him in a week. My reaction: I was frozen in fear... or was it intuition?? She brought up a valid point: My ex, whom I was on all accounts very much in love with despite everything, tried to kill himself. He had decided that it would be better for him to die than to live the rest of his life with me. Her words brought me back immediately to that pain I buried. I remember picking him up from the Psych Hospital and reading his discharge papers: Person or Thing that Triggers You... My wife. All this anger comes boiling to the service as tears run down my face just thinking about that moment. I gave him everything, my happiness was hinged on his happiness. And yet, it was triggering his desire to end his life. My mom said it really all made sense, I was the person closest to him. This reality forced me to pull off the distorted lenses I was viewing my life with. I was in a fog that distorted weakness for strength, abuse for love, and an incapable dependent for an husband. It is easier to handle viewing my reality in those distorted lenses. The less reality I saw, the less painful it was.

High Definition

I was watching Sponge Bob with my daughter one day on a hi-def TV. It wasn't the same, as the soft cartoon-like lines that created the characters, were now digital pixels. This distracted me greatly from the joy of that cartoon!! I find myself looking at men through the High Definition Lenses, suddenly every imperfection, every annoying laugh, every nose hair, is amplified. The mystery is gone. There he is in all of his realistic definition. I have tested him and charted his responses, categorized him and rated him accordingly. I have deliberately and painfully managed to dissect him completely exposing his strengths and weaknesses to eliminate my fear of the unknown, or my fear of being hurt. Sometimes this is a good thing, as I can quickly discern quality. And yet, I find if they make sense on paper, and they can and want to give me everything that I am asking and wanting, the high definition is too much for my libido to handle. I am no longer attracted to them. Maybe it is because the mystery is lost. Maybe because I have viewed them from every angle assessing him in different environments, taken him apart to see what makes him tick. Demystification resulted in a loss of interest, although it seemed to intensify my assurance in capability. Truth is, I don't want my life to be viewed in hi-def either. There has to be balance.


Maybe It Is Time To Ditch The Glasses
I currently wear glasses, mostly at work. Truth be told, I can be a shy person. For some reason glasses are somewhat a source of security to me, like a blanket would be for a child. I feel like I need to be challenged to take these lenses I have been viewing men through off. I need to let go of my past hurts and insecurities and start new. I need to view him exactly as he is, and not over analyze his every move and therefore demystify myself. I need to see him through my eyes, and decide if there is that passionate attraction that can keep a  marriage together through the rough times. I need to stop over analyzing, and simply be realistic. Perfection warrants perfection. I am no way near perfect. But I do know that I am amazing, and therefore warrant amazing. Amazing is what I will aim for.

Creating Revolution: Personal Confessions of my Heart

Revolution: (Noun) a sudden, radical, or complete change.

I need a revolution. Something to change whatever it was that I am doing that is holding me here stagnant. The truth is this: I love being a mom, I miss being a wife, and I am tired of living the life that he left behind. It took me two years to get to this point. I didnt want my life to change for the longest time; partially to keep things stable for our daughter. On a personal love life level: I continually operated in the same pattern because it is what I know and am comfortable with. I also want him to hate himself seeing the life that he left behind continue without him. But he didnt hate himself. Instead he has happily moved on with his life starting over again on the other coast without a notion of regret. And here I am stuck in the same place I was when he left two years ago. Nothing has changed.

This idea of a revolution is an accumulation of so much:

I realized this summer how much I rely on my daughter to be my companion. She became the one that I depended on to keep me from being lonely. She is the reason that I sometimes do not go out to date- she is an excuse to avoid intimacy. I need to cut that umbilical cord. I need to not depend on her to keep me safe any longer. I need to take risks and date new people and find the man I was meant to be married to for the rest of my life. Finally find the man that will be a daddy to her, because that is what she wants so badly.

I need to stop filling the emptiness in my life with retail therapy. I have always struggled with this. I am not one for figures and numbers honestly. I can make the money just fine... but I need an allowance to keep myself from overspending and living paycheck to paycheck. I get sad, empty, feel alone, and shopping for needless items brings me happiness and something to look forward to. As silly as this may sound, coming home with a new smelly candle to light will inspire me to clean the entire house and keep it clean for days. I look at it in my clean house and fell content. This keeps me busy and distracts me from the emptiness in my heart and home. But while I clean the house I find other things that I need to buy... not to mention I love buying impulse buys for my daughter. I have filled her room with them. I am teaching her that new things make you happy. This is the wrong message to send. I know I need to stop.

I need to stop attracting men that are unavailable to me. My history is full of the emotionally unavailable- and I twist that unavailability to be a need I want to fill for them. This put me into a role that I know all too well. I am comfortable caring for someone with needs. I am not happy or moving anywhere, but it is a pattern I could operate in without fear of intimacy. I need to stop attracting the men that aren't ready for a healthy commitment of marriage. I need to start recognizing men that are takers and will leave me empty and dry and seek out the men possessing a healthy balance of give and take. I need to make marriage a life goal that I am actively and purposely pursuing. A place I can invest and receive deposits of love as I share experiences and events in life and fall deeply in love like Ive never know before.


FINALLY: I need to reclaim a life that IS mine. I am done waiting for him to return and rob me of all that I have tried to build since his departure. I have closed that door and burned that bridge, but I have been still standing at the door step waiting... for what?! It IS time for me to move on. I need to close other doors that I have kept open in fear of change. I need to be ok with saying goodbye. I need to be ok with closure. I need to be ok facing my future without any bridges or promises to fall back on. I need to find friends that are in the present and I can build a future with. I need to let go of friendships built on my past. I have nothing in common with my past any longer. I overstayed my welcome, and it is time for me to close that door and walk away because I am now in a different place and moving in a different direction. A new direction full of promise and hope. I am not the same person I was then. I will not be identified by my past- although it did help shape who I am today, I am so much more than just my past.

It is time for me to choose some life goals. It is time for me to make purposeful pursuit of these goals. It is time for heartbreak to burn to cold ashes, and hope to accumulate into a wildfire consuming every part of my life changing my path forward forever.

Confession: Pattern of Choosing the Unavailable

I was jogging trying to burn some of the energy I had. Jogging has always been a place that I could think and center my soul again if I was feeling unbalanced in life. Lately I have been jogging more than usual. Today, while jogging, I was hit with an epiphany: I have always chosen men that are unavailable to me. Whether they were unavailable in maturity, emotionally unavailable, or unavailable in circumstance. I have never dated a man that is available to me. This fact baffled me because I have never wanted anything more than to give myself completely to a man and him to me and spend the rest of my life making him happy. A man that could be my best friend and I would be his. I am a pretty independent girl- and I am not asking for a 24/7 kinda thing... in fact I am pretty sure that I would go crazy with that kind of constant attention. But just a best friend and a lover to share the rest of my life with. So-if that is what I have always wanted- why have I sabotaged my own aspirations and established a pattern of dating men that are unavailable?!

Immediately I wonder what is wrong with me? What makes me attracted to these unavailable men? What is it they all have in common?

I have never been good at putting up walls and not letting people in. I am generally open with my life. I wear my heart on my sleeve and despite my best attempts to hide what I am thinking- its inevitably written across my face with clear expression. I naturally trust people without first waiting for them to give me a reason to trust them. I feel that most good things are temporary and that I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall and things to end.

 A man that is unavailable is possibly a challenge for me. I want what I cant have. Although I have never had an affair, I would imagine that it could possibly be the same. I have always been the good girl that loved her some bad boy. Most of the time it was because I was able to look into his eyes and see some sort of good that was there. Im a natural optimist- so I would focus on the good that I saw in him and disregard the bad. Part of the bad I disregarded so quickly was that he was not available to me. He couldn't be my best friend, he couldn't treat me the way a woman needs to be treated, he had other non-essential priorities (hobbies, friends, etc) that he placed in front me. And most of the time I let him do this because I was so focused on that good- or maybe because his inability just hurt too much to dwell on.

So why did I allow this to happen? I now wondered what it was that I was hiding from. Could it be that a girl that had dreams and aspirations to find a commitment worth fighting for, was hiding behind the walls of others? Was it that I was too afraid of failure to allow myself a valiant try?

Whatever the reason I have decided that it needs to stop. If I want true devotion- I need to start with dating the men that can fill those shoes. I have to stop seeing the good in his eyes- and instead look at the WHOLE PICTURE. Does he have the ability to give me everything that he has got- or is there something that holds him back from me? It's time for me to stop chasing what I will never catch, and find a catch that is worth a lifetime of chasing.

Daddy Shopping: My Series For Solo-Moms Regarding Dating

Online Dating: Really??? Am I gonna do this seriously?!

I couldn't believe that I was about to fill out an online dating application for Match.com. I knew I was in a place that I felt ready to find Mr. Right- I was no longer carrying the emotional pain my divorce left me with. But this is what my dating life really resorted too? Browsing ads, weighing options like I was shopping for a vehicle: Looks, Marital Status, Faith, Likes/Dislikes, Occupation, Amount of previous children, Likeliness of wanting children in the future, etc. This all felt so impersonal honestly, but I am a solo mom with full custody of my daughter and I work full time to pay the bills. I don't have the luxury of child support to help out. So, I don't have a lot of time or resources to spend at a gym, church, or Barnes and Nobles shopping Mr. Right. As impersonal as it felt, I knew that if I wanted to try this and see if it really worked- I would have to make a valid attempt to make it personal.

I had researched the online dating sites, and after considering eHarmony.com. and Match.com, I decided to go with the latter because it allows you to search for people- rather than pick from what the website recommends to you as a potential match. I wanted to do a site that participants pay for, with the idea that they would be more serious about finding a potential mate than some late-night company. (I have to also admit that the commercials for Match.com were inspiring, although eHarmony claims responsibility for 2% of all marriages in the US today. Does that also make them responsible for 1% of all divorces?? Ha ha ha- ok Cynical Erin needs to go have a time out now!)  


After writing a clever profile clearly outlining what I was looking for, I started shopping. I was very direct in my profile that I was looking for a serious relationship- not a fling. Despite my best efforts I soon discovered that online dating had to be approached with a critical heart. It could be compared to an airport- quick pick-ups, and lots of baggage it seemed. I found that a lot of guys weren't interested in a commitment as much as a hook up. The rest of the guys seemed to carry baggage they were looking to drop off: jealous ex's, alimony, child support, but most of all damaged hearts not yet healed from the pain of divorce. Few carried that magic "potential" that I was in search of.

I began to honestly doubt the ability for something so impersonal to actually create a personal match of substance. I wont lie and say it isn't time consuming. Maybe because I was focused on making a valid attempt, but I emailed back every guy back that showed potential. I was constantly analyzing their words from a critical standpoint with my most common question to them being, "if you are so wonderful, why are you on Match.com??" I mostly was matched with cops, or other law enforcement details- which came with it's own set of baggage. I was picky... but I felt that I am holding enough in my hand to play the game with cutting discernment. Being picky did present challenges and it was a lot of effort to email back and forth in a timely manner, just to watch "potential" fizzle out in the end. The iPhone app helped. Exhausting.

I have never dated anyone that I wasn't first friends with. Dating sites eliminated this important building stone to relationships. It seemed to be that most guys were interested in jumping into a date without first meeting and just talking. They wanted to see if there was a chemistry before they were willing to put in the time and effort to build any more of a relationship. This totally freaked me out. I have always been more than slightly concerned with the fact that child predators will often position themselves to date single moms so they can have access to the children. If you have ever watch Chris Hanson on Dateline, you will find that there is always one guy that looks completely clean cut, normal, and a responsible member of society that has twisted ideas of sexual attraction. With this concern in mind, I did not divulge the detail that I was a solo mom immediately. I personally feel that I am much more comfortable with a man walking away from me because he doesn't like the fact that I have a child, rather than be attracted to me because I do. It is my job to protect this little girl of mine- if I don't protect her no one will.

After spending a little less than a month on Match.com, I did meet two great guys I totally clicked with on a friendship level. However, one of them I was not attracted to. As shallow as that might be, this is a dating site!! Attraction carries is an important role in a relationship. He also carried some baggage that I didn't rule him out for... but it wasn't giving him any points either. Since he was uninterested in becoming friends first and working on that- I was not interested. C'est la vie! In time I realized that the other guy was not interested in a long term relationship, but rather a temporary distraction. Honesty is important in a relationship, and he had stated he was divorced on his profile... in reality he hadnt yet filed. Be open to compare what his profile says with what you see to gain clarity and avoid spinning your wheels and wasting energy.
     
I did have two moments of funny awkwardness... One when a good friend of mine from years ago found me on the there. We had a good chuckle over our inability to score a date with someone of substance and found ourselves shopping online. The second moment of awkwardness was when I found my old coach from when I was 14. I was just writing him to say hi, and I think because I was using a dating site to say hi, lines got crossed and things got very awkward because of the potential for creepiness. (Let me take a moment to say that it never got close to creepy! He was a gentleman completely. I think it was just awkward because it could be perceived as creepy. LOL!!) 

Dont forget when writing a profile to carefully protect your little one and yourself.
Many child predators target single parents because of the availability it gives them to the children.
So know when to fail to mention you have a child... and know when it is time to brag on your little one.
Most of all- remember that even though you have interacted online- THEY ARE STRANGERS.

Here are some websites with information on online dating I found useful!!

10 top dating sites:
http://www.top10bestdatingsites.com/?kw=top%2520online%2520dating%2520sites&c=8318517667&t=search&p=&m=e&adpos=1t2&a=1&gclid=CMDHx9yFqasCFRpkgwodJiJmCQ
The Internet Dating Guide
http://www.theinternetdatingguide.com/2005/12/pros_cons_of_online_dating.html

Happy Hunting!

Building a Vision

Daddy Shopping: My Series For Solo-Moms Regarding Dating

In my last post I discussed the importance of dating with vision. I promised a list of questions to help provoke thought and build vision... here they are! (Feel free to add more if you have them!! I am still building my vision, so I can use the input as well!!)

• Dont ask for a Prince Charming unless you are prepared to be a Fairytale Princess!!!
• You can only demand as much perfection as you have... nonetheless DONT SELL YOURSELF SHORT because you have weaknesses and failures!!

• Know yourself!! 
• What are your strengths?
• What are your weaknesses?
• What inspires you?
• What impassions you?
• What do you want to change about yourself?
• What do you love about yourself?

• The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Therefore we have to reflect on each past relationships and determine what worked and what didnt.
• Where did you meet?
• How long after dating did you tell him you loved him?
• Did you plan on changing him?
• How clear was your "love sight"? Were you in love with your portrayal of him or with who he was in reality?
• How did your relationship end? What role did responsibility did you hold?

• What role do you want your partner to have in raising your child? Discipline? Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual support and influence?

• How do you picture your life in 5, 10, 20, 50 years?
• Married?
• Working?
• More Children?
• Own a house?
• Traveling?

These are just thought provoking questions. Please feel free to add your own... because I am in the same boat trying to find a good match and make choices that will bear successful results!
.

Daddy shopping: Start Shopping with Vision

My series for solo-moms regarding dating.

I wish had a nickle for every time I went to the grocery store without a list and ended up with so much more than I was shopping for- I'd still be poor because most of those eye-catching impulse buys cost more than 5 cents! The point is that I start off going to the store with a vision of what I am looking for- and I end up distracted leaving with something I never intended on buying.

Heres the deal: Solo Moms dont really have the luxury of dating for fun. We have our child(ren) 100% of the time, and the other parent is no longer in the picture. We are working to support our little ones, and with our time off we are spending it enjoying the snot out of them! I know, I have a lot of guilt if I get a sitter for any reason not work related!! Seriously, get a sitter so I can go out on a date... I dont have the time or energy to invest in blindly feeling out Mr. Right from all the Mr. Right-Nows. Also, for most Solo Moms I know, falling in love is a calculated choice... rarely can we be sweet talked and wooed with flowers. So, lets harness this newly found power, and focus it into a vision of what we are looking for!

10 Reasons why you should start dating with a vision:

1. You give your dating a purpose.
2. You (and more importantly your little one) wont have your heart involved with someone that shouldnt be a part of your forever future.
3. Solo moms dont have time to waste dating Mr. Right-Nows- this will help you avoid squander your valued time resulting in an unproductive outcome.
4. You are able to teach your child an important lesson: never compromise, value yourself, and expect  and only accept the best.
5. You get to embrace your freedom and freely enjoy your time alone with your child(ren).
6. You have a chance to avoid the pitfalls and mistakes made before.
7. It isnt just about you anymore- you have the hearts of your children that may become invested and attached... as mothers we will do just about anything to protect our babies! Dating shouldnt be any different.
8. Make dating a life lesson for your child by showing your child with your actions that you value yourself and them.
9. Creating a vision will help you choose wisely this time around.
10. Finding the man that fits that vision will help you to eliminate insecurities that can cause doubt.

Next post: Questions to provoke visionary thoughts of Mr. Right!

Daddy Shopping: My Series For Solo-Moms Regarding Dating

So in my last post, I submitted a quiz to assess your readiness to start dating again. There is no doubt that only you can really know if you are ready to start dating again- no quiz can convince you otherwise!! With that being said... here are your results:

If you scored...

Not Ready to meet Freddie (or Pete... or Steve... or John...):
Between 5 and 20 points

You scored on the low end of the readiness spectrum, and that is OK!!! This is a picture of me, when I was a Not Ready 2Meet Freddie. My smile was strained and felt foreign. It was almost painful. I rarely laughed, not for a lack of trying. My thoughts were still consumed with him. The stress is written across my swollen face. Despite the bleakness, I still wished things could work between us. I would fantasize about him coming to his senses seeing what he left. I longed to hear him say he was sorry and he loved me and our daughter more than anything and wanted to get help. I only wanted to hear him say that he wanted to do what it took to make our marriage and family work. I felt awkward without a man. (This is about the time I made the psycho cookies- see Daddy Shopping Part I). I desperately wanted to find a daddy for my daughter, panicked that she would have to possibly go a period of time without one!! My thoughts were consumed with him and what I didnt have about 80% of the time (ok... sometimes, 99% of the time) and this was reflective in my conversation. Everything had to do with him. I had no sense of personal boundaries, let alone the courage to believe I deserved better or demand better. I needed to give myself time to work through the pain, to recreate a peace, and to develop a sense of who I was and what I had to offer. I needed to grieve the loss of my marriage and my dreams of being married to my best friend. I needed to learn to laugh genuinely again. I needed to relearn how to live again. And all of this took time for me to learn to do.
If you are a Not Ready to meet Freddie... fear not- your time will come!

Transitional Rocky Roader

Between 20-40 points

At first things are so rocky you have no appetite. Your life is hectic, working a job to be financially independent, while balancing being a mom... that is just enough to wipe anyone out! Not to mention court dates and custody battles, child support... you feel like you are a walking punching bag. But the more you fight, the more you start to feel like maybe you could do this... you begin to acclimate to the stress and pressure- you begin to adjust and it feels normal eventually... ok, well more normal! Soon you find that you are on the couch commemorating a bad day with rocky road ice cream... because it was only one day- its worth the celebration! You can remember a time not so long ago that having a day without saddness was more worth ice cream than a day with something that needed to be drowned in chocolatey nutty marshmellowy goodness! This was a time I learned to cut myself off from the world- and center myself on me and my princess. Find a place to go, get away from the constant reminder of my failures. Start rebuilding my little world with friends that were my own, things the way I liked them, and places I liked to go. It felt really good. I still had my days that were challenging, days I had to put my boxing gloves back on as I stepped into the ring... but I felt I had more clarity to fight for the things that were worth my effort. I no longer felt like I was blindly swinging wildly in a world I didnt trust... but had focus and clarity in my battles and I began to learn those that were trust worthy again. Things were settling.
It was during this time in my life that I met a really great guy. In my personal opinion this is a grey area to start dating again. My life was still so consumed with my ex- it had to be hard for him to listen to me talk about it. I tried not to, but there were times that I compared him to my ex. I had to learn to leave my emotional cargo at the door- and try to trust again. But things were so different this time around for me. I couldnt expect for my prince charming to come and rescue me, sweep my off my feet, and ride us off into the sunset. My heart wouldnt allow myself to fall blindly in love. I actually found at times that it was more of a calculated choice based on algorithms of stability, family, capability, weakness, and strengths. Falling in love was more a mental choice- rather than a calling of the heart. I had recognized that no one was going to rescue me- I was the only one that was going to be capable to save myself.

Groovin and Movin On

Between 40-60 points

You have finally made it through the rough of it. And although there are times that you still have minor (and occasional major) crashes, most days you breathe easy and freely. You have a routine throughout your day. You have things that you do that have nothing to do with your life before- or even separating yourself from that old life- but just things that you do now. New routines are finally just routines. The drama has finally settled. You have a greater sense of who you are. This gives you the ability to clearly see what you want in a man- and weed out those that dont meet that criteria. You have confidence in your ability to stand on your own two feet. The loneliness that was once a prison- has now become a symbol of independence and freedom. You dont have that insatiable desire to have a man in your life to complete you... you know you are pretty darn complete on your own. You have accepted your failures and learned from them. You have identified where you made poor choices in the past and made solemn vows to choose differently next time. You no longer see light at the end of the tunnel because that tunnel vision has diminished. You have a peace in your soul and it echos in your easy laughter and smiles at life's funny moments. You make time for yourself and your friends. You have goals in life, and are able to have the clarity to work towards them.

Daddy Shopping: My Series For Solo-Moms Regarding Dating

I have always loved taking quizzes in women magazines! So I have decided to create my own quiz to assess your readiness to start dating again based on some light research! So, grab a pencil and paper!
(And a calculator if math isnt your strong subject- like me!)

• When I woke up this morning, my first thought was
• I need to get the oil changed in the car. (+5)
• I wonder if (name of your ex) is awake yet? (+1)
• I need to teach my kid to make coffee. (+3)

•  While shopping, you ran into one of his friends. You...
• completely ignored her and ran away, you have nothing to say nice. (+2)
• smiled politely, and confidently continued browsing. (+6)
• after her salutation of how are you, you honestly started explaining how he ruined your life and broke your heart. (-1)

• If you were able to map out your thoughts on a pie chart...
•  80% is devoted to custody and child support... 10% is devoted to work and your kiddo ...10% is everything you dont have. (+2)
• 60% is your kid... 10% is you... 10% is family and friends... 10% is work... 10% that jerk that ruined your life. (-3)
• 40% is your kiddo... 15% is you... 15% is family and friends... 10% is work... 10% is household chores... 10% making exciting plans for the future solo. (+3)

• The last time you laughed genuinely was...
• 10 minutes ago- I find little things in everyday life humorous! (+8)
• Two weeks ago when us girls got together for dinner... they had me crying with laughter. (+4)
• I cant remember- I feel I force myself to smile and laugh most of the time. (+1)

• Looking back on our relationship (and/or marriage)...
• I cant believe how badly he screwed it all up. I gave him everything, and he never cared. (+4)
• We both made mistakes- could have done other things better- neither of us is innocent in this. (+8)
• I was the one that made all the mistakes, I wish he would just see that and forgive me and take me back and I promise to change everything to make things work for him! (+2)

• Last time I dialed his number...
• I hung up before hitting that last digit... I have so much to tell him- but I am so scared of rejection!! (-1)
• It was in regards to our child(ren) we share in common... nothing personal. (+5)
• It was to scream at the jerk for introducing his new girl friend to our kid! (+2)

• Last time you overheard someone talking about your ex...
• You turned around and loudly told them to shut up! You didnt need that negativity in your life! (+2)
• You ran to the bathroom and cried. Then proceeded to eat a carton of chocolate malted crunch! (+3)
• You smiled in mild amusement, but didnt feel anger or hurt. You felt indifferent. (+6)

• The last guy you dated you sized up and compared to...
• Ryan Reynolds (+5)
• Your Ex (+1)
• Your bestfriend (+3)

• You have gone on a couple of dates with a Mr. Handsome... and he is pushing allowances that challenge your morals, you...
• have personal boundaries you expect wont be challenged. And if he becomes indignant, he can kick rocks! (+7)
• He is a super sweet guy, and it isnt like it is something you have never done before... you want to do it anyway... (+4)
• He is super hot... who cares about personal boundary and space... he is into you and you are into him... it feels good now and you'll just be in pain later anyway... so-wheres the problem again?! (+1)

•  Looking back at your past relationships, both dating and marriage(s)... You would describe your dating pattern as:
• Serial Dater- you are never without a man on your arm (+1)
• Picky Eater- you wont date him unless he meets your criteria- and youre not afraid to turn em away. (+5)
• Hitchhiker- you are with what ever comes along and picks you up. (+3)

• It's Saturday night, and your kiddo is not feeling well. You had a date planned, but your little germie needs you. You... 
• Call him and see if it is ok that you stay home tonight. (+3)
• Call gramma... she is a close second to mom! AND you were really looking forward to a night out alone with him! (+1)
• Call him and tell him that you will have to cancel... after all that little germie is your number 1!! (+5)

Ok--- Tally up those points!!

Where did you score??? 
5-20 points...???
20-40 points...???
40-60 points...???

To find out where you are in the spectrum of dating readiness, 

come back on Friday!!

Daddy Shopping: My Series For Solo-Moms Regarding Dating

Dating is challenging enough as it is- then add a wee one into the mix??? Yikes!! I have decided to attempt to tackle a subject that has been heavy on my heart. I am a solo-mom, which is a little different than a single mom- especially in regards to dating. I have full custody of my daughter. I am also an engaged mom that doesnt believe in missing out on the fun with her for a silly date. So I cant have a weekend boyfriend while the kiddo is off at dad's. I have made some mistakes and have learned some things about dating with a child... I want to share these things with you. I want to give you the research I have found in a practical way. Kids learn from observation, make dating a life-lesson in contentment, vision, confidence, and security for your little one. Hopefully you will be able to learn from my mistakes and have more success avoiding unnecessary casualties and little broken hearts. I dont have all the answers... but I will share the ones I have! Please share yours as well!!
Happy Dating!

Daddy Shopping

Part I: Do you take Cash, Credit, or Desperation??

I have to admit... after 5 years of marriage- I was in a hurry to find a daddy for my baby girl! I did not know how to stand on my own two feet. I had no confidence in my ability to be able to parent her successfully alone. I felt incredibly insecure on my own, and I desperately missed having a "family"! I felt that having someone would help to soften the heart breaking blow of the affair... and the failure of my marriage. I felt like I was wronged- and since I made such a fabulous wife (TootToot<-- my own horn!) I deserved to do what I was good at. I didnt want my daughter to miss out on anything because she didn't have a daddy in her life. So I set out to find her a daddy stat! I went daddy shopping....

Lucky for me... I came home empty handed. But not for a lack of trying!!  (Note to Self: you cant purchase a dad with emotional baggage!)

Ok- confession time: (I cant believe I am about to tell you this!!)

I managed to scare off a great guy with my desperate psycho-clinginess right out of the gate. Quite possibly my most epically embarrassing period of desperation.We had hung out a couple of times- would talk on the phone... but then he stopped calling as much. I called and called and called, leaving message after message after message and text after text after text! I made him four different types of cookies, drew funny pictures on each gallon bag of cookies I made for him, and drove all the way to his house to drop them off on his door step. I called him some more- leaving message after message- text after text. This embarrassing madness continued until I found out he was dating someone. In my psycho desperation I missed signals, mixed up other signals... and never saw that we were just friends. Nothing more. My desperation was blinding. My emotional baggage was all over... I was a mess- and not in a hot way!

I wasn't even close to being in the right place to start dating- I was Daddy shopping for all the wrong reasons, and I had nothing to offer in payment for a daddy of value. 

So, after a divorce... when is it ok to start dating again?

I think that the first part of this process is a healthy dose of grieving. Enter the 7-steps of Grief...

Step 1: Shock and Denial

I was still in love with the wonderful side of him... that I hadnt seen in years. He was sweet and loving and funny and protective. Someone that I shared adventurous memories with doing the most ridiculous things (ie: driving our motorhome to the Walmart parking lot to stay the night- because we couldnt afford the gas to actually get past the city limits!). I had witnessed a darker side of him over take the man I fell in love with as he fell deeper and deeper into his addictions. I choose not to dwell on those things- because I knew I wasnt strong enough to change them. The man that I had a restraining order against wasnt the man who's last name I carried.

Step 2: Pain and Guilt

Wow... this stage was hard on the finances! My daughter and I called it "Retail Therapy"... and oh it felt sooo good! We would be feeling a little on the blue side of the spectrum and would jump in the car with a retail store in mind... spend hours strolling the isles and picking up things that we didnt need- but wanted!! Ha ha ha. In retrospect- probably not the best thing. Ha ha ha! It was hard at this point for me. I felt guilty for putting her in danger by allowing him to watch her while I worked... I felt guilty for choosing to have a baby with him (not that I regretted her!! She was the best thing that I EVER did!!)... I felt guilty that I had to work and earn a living... the list went on and on. The pain at times was palpable and written across my swollen face. I lived on water-proof mascara and coffee... why try to sleep when my empty bed was only another bitter illustration of my loss?? 

Step 3: Anger and Bargaining

I was bending over to pick up a stuffed animal one day... when it hit me like a semi-truck... how could he do this to me?!! I picked up the toy and flung it with all my strength across the room- I ran into my room and began punching my pillows and throwing things across the room in an intense fiery of tears and burning anger. I couldnt understand why God would allow this after I had trusted Him to redeem my marriage from failure. I couldnt understand why my (then) husband would do this to me after I gave him everything that he wanted and needed with a happy heart. As incredibly intense and gut-wrenching this stage was... it was also kinda redeeming. If I didnt get mad- I would have never acknowledged that I knew I deserved better... both my daughter and I deserved better. 

Step 4: Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness (... and just when you think that youre on step 7... Step 4 slaps you in the face like a stinky dead fish.)

I challenged myself to untie the old memories and make new ones. I usually picked locations that had a memory of me and him. (Some of them not great memories... but still it was a place that screamed him- and I was sick of him). My natural reaction was to avoid that place... but I knew sooner or later I would encounter that location again. So, I would choose that as our destination for the day with plans to recreate some new memories. Sometimes it left me with intense sadness until I realized that I had just tied new and better memories to that location!! I was slowly burying the old memories and making new ones, one adventure at a time! This was the weakest stage. I hated the way I felt: lethargic, tired, achy, irritable, frustrated, and completely chaotic. I had no peace- and my mind was always on overload of what I didnt have. I forgot the simplest things... bills, my wallet, keys. This step seemed to be all encompassing when I allowed it to be. I learned to control it to avoid letting it spill into my daughters' life. I found naptime, showers, and the garage to be consoling places to squirt a couple if I needed to cry. 

Step 5: The Upward Turn (My favorite!)

In the movie Runaway Bride, Julia Roberts plays a character that eats her eggs however her fiancee likes his. Eventually she needs to learn how she likes to eat her eggs solo. Whether you are reminded of how you like to eat your eggs, or you are learning for the first time... this is the step where you begin to build and get settled into a life that is your own. I loved this step! It was empowering to plan a vacation without him. It was incredible to decorate my house the way I liked it with things that I liked , cook the food I liked- all because I liked it! It felt so good to see the pictures hanging on the wall with smiling memories to illustrate my success. The painful sting of being alone began to transform into a victorious crown of glorious success. I could be independent apart from him, raise our little girl on my own without his help, and have a wonderful quality of life... AND PEACE! I began to remember things easier and started to tackle small challenges like our old file cabinet. I could see the future for the first time... and it was pretty bright!

Step 6: Reconstruction and Working Through

This is hard work... and really more a constant process than a step you breeze through on your way to bliss. Sometimes my emotions hit me hard... and I find myself being weighed down by the intensity. I want to curl up on the couch and sleep. Instead- I grab a shovel, rake, bush wackers, and get outside into the sun for some good old fashioned hard labor. This is a productive way to work through my emotions. When Im done- I have glorious blisters of success, and a gorgeous yard. Its a win-win. I have also begun to tackle things that were otherwise overwhelming for me... like my vehicle and credit. I finally had the mental capacity to handle the stress without breaking. 

Step 7: Acceptance and Hope

I have accepted that I am successful on my own. I soooo content with only my daughter as my plus one. I love not having to check in with anyone or asking permission. I have embraced my freedom that I otherwise before saw as a prison of loneliness. Yes- I do have my moments I wish I had a partner with me to make my life easier, someone to share my life with. However I love not having the added drama that can also come with a relationship. I love the peace in my home. I love the availability I have to my daughter. Most of all, I love that I have demonstrated several life lessons to her in the past two and a half years. The most important being that she doesnt need a man to complete her... and resilience. I am no longer angry with my ex personally. I no longer wish that things would have worked, and rarely think of him unless it is in respect to the daughter I have the privileged to raise alone. I know I walked away with the best he had to offer!

I finally feel after giving myself time to grieve, I have something to offer when I decide to go Daddy shopping! And it isnt desperation or emotional baggage; rather an incredible package of two stellar chicks that love to rock... and we aren't cheap! I am no longer looking to do the leg work... I'm content on my own. HE's gonna have to work and do the legwork to catch and earn this gift! And it is her and I that ultimately will get to pick "The One" for us!

Starting over... again?!

It hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasnt about the ring... it was about the commitment. I had tried to communicate this a million times I felt. But I nothing had changed.
It was on my 28th birthday two years ago, he told me that he wanted a divorce. That night he overdosed for a second time that month. I was married for 5 years and we had a two year old daughter when we left my husband. Not the best moment of my life. But I walked away with the best he had to offer. She has blue eyes, and the most contagious laugh ever. She kept me from disappearing into my brown couch in my new condo for the first 6 months. I am pretty sure that God knew I needed her to keep me going.

Before I knew it living moment by moment became living month by month. I eventually met a wonderful man. Navigating the paths of dating after marriage are complicated enough, but when you add in a child... it changes EVERYTHING!
I knew the difference between wanting sooo badly to get married (and for me find a daddy for my daughter) and finding a willing participant in that desire; and wanting to marry someone because that is who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. I was fighting my urge to want another baby, a husband, and a father for my child, and finding the right man to earn the right of that position. Time passed and this ticking time bomb finally blew and we broke up- remaining friends.
So, here I am a week before my 30th birthday looking at my future. I do have to say that my 20s was productive. I managed to get married and divorced, gain full custody, find a career, and stand on my own two feet before I was 30. LOL! But this was not how I envisioned myself at 30. I thought I would be preggers with my 2nd baby, and married to my best friend. Cliche, right?I have to learn to adjust my dream: Im enjoying being independent and teaching my young daughter what it means to be a strong woman. One day I hope to fall hopelessly in love with my bestfriend, and he will be hopelessly in love with me. And he will embrace my princess as his own and help to heal her heart. But until that happens, I have to enjoy this time I have now... because I will never get it back!