"Single" Parent doesnt mean "Disabled"!!

 I had been waiting for this day for so long! I finally took my daughter out for her first surf lesson! Of course, I had waited for her swimming skills to strengthen, and for her to get old enough to want to try. But honestly, I stalled because I was waiting for someone to come with me to be able to help me in the water with her.

So I decided to venture out alone and attempt her lessons solo. She did amazing and I couldn't have been a prouder mommy! She loved riding the white water in, and seemed to have a natural instinct for balance and position on the board. She seemed immune to the chilled waters and smiled and laughed through chattering teeth, "One more time Mom!"

I realized that as a solo mom, I didnt have to limit her experiences because we dont have a dad willing to participate. I am only short changing her (and my own credit) waiting for someone else to come along. I AM a solo mom. I cant change that right now. I would hate for my daughter to look back on her childhood and feel limited in her experience because she didnt have a dad. She shouldnt have to pay for his choices in that manner- she has paid and will continue to pay in other ways there.

I found that taking a small step- and trying something new alone- gave me a sense of independence and strengthened my bond with my daughter. We knew it might not be successful the first try- but at least we were out there trying together. Most of all, I was empowering her instead of victimizing her- an invaluable lesson.

Good Things are Worth Waiting For

Recently, a friend of mine posted a quote on Facebook that really hit home:
"To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, dont settle for any of his relatives: Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheatin-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothin-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz."

Funny advice- but so true, and not just for women! I have met plenty of men out there that are anxious to jump the gun just to have the security of commitment. As a single parent we have a responsibility to our children to protect them and teach them the best that we can. They have already endured intense heart break. These little hearts need time to heal and feel protected instead of abandoned.

I have heard plenty of stories of moms (I am sure stories exist illustrating dad's can be included in this) that have quickly jumped into committed relationships and marriages exposing and sometimes abandoning their children to fill an insecurity of being alone. Some stories have horrific outcomes of abuse, emotional, physical, and sexual.

Before I married, I was a serial girlfriend. I went from one boyfriend to the next with little to no time between relationships. This was mostly because I loved being a girlfriend, having a boyfriend, and having all that came with being in a relationship.

I have been a solo mom for over 3 years now. Do I want to find that best friend and lover? YES YES YES!!! But I dont need to be a girlfriend and or wife because I am insecure alone. Loneliness is never a reason to love.

I watched a single dad run through girlfriends because he was insecure alone after his divorce. Every girl friend that came along- he would tell his kids that this was the one that he was going to marry, after only dating her as little as a month. This had a huge effect on his children as they began to form ideas and opinions of relationships, marriage, men, women, and love, faith and commitment. He was teaching his children life lessons about compromise, goals, vision, and most importantly self worth and the value he placed on his children.

Instead of pining for a partner- realize that you have a gift that you may never have again. You have a time in your life that you are able to give your children 100% of you uninhibited by a relationship. Enjoy your children fully and completely with a thankful heart. Remember: YOU MAY NEVER GET THIS TIME BACK.

We must remember as single parents that our children are ALWAYS watching us and like small sponges, they are interpreting our behaviors and choices, forming opinions, and soaking up information. The mate(s) that we choose ARE going to portray a message to them. If we are never without a "significant other" we may be teaching them that because we feel insecure and incomplete alone- they are not a complete person without another person to complete them and security comes from being with someone. We may be teaching them to settle for second best because it is available. We may be teaching them that it is acceptable to compromise self worth to avoid loneliness. They may be learning that as a parent it is acceptable to put adult needs before the children's.

 
Instead move slowly into relationships. Question and challenge personal attractions and notions. Avoid premature physical intimacy, as this clouds judgement and discernment. Get to know that person as a friend without alternative motives. Do not be afraid to disconnect from people in your life that do not treat you with the respect that you and your child deserve. If you feel a lack of confidence alone- that is an excellent indication that you are not ready for a relationship.

Dont be afraid to be alone and enjoy every moment of it. Contentment is an invaluable lesson that will permeate all aspects of life.


 

Traumatic Sadness Happens.

****WARNING: I seriously debated on whether to post this one or not. I hope that my vulnerability and honesty can help someone else. This is NOT an attempt to solicit sympathy or paint myself as a victim.***

We all do it when we are uncomfortable with being unable to comfort another's pain. Simple words to give hope, founded or not. "She is in a better place now." "He is the one that is missing out." "You were too good for him anyways." "Youre better off without him." When I left my ex, I was told from friends and family that loved me and wanted to take my pain away, "Dont worry- it wont be long until youre remarried!" I remember the thought of marrying anyone other than my husband sickened me at first. Then it became a foundation I stood on- I began to believe it. For a while, it took my pain away. I found that it gave me comfort and a pseudo strength believing that I would someday soon be some amazing man's incredible wife. I wouldnt be lonely anymore the way I am now. My daughter would have a daddy again.

March has always been a really hard month for me. It used to be that it was hard because it was the month that everything came together and five years later fell apart in my marriage. Now it seems it is just another brutal reminder of what I dont have. This March has been harder than the years past.

I have been depressed and saddened over my failures before. I guess looking back at it all now- I numbed myself to function. If I wasnt crying I was able to function through the custody battle, restraining orders, divorce and creating a stable life for our daughter. I also had hope. I believed the empty promises that I would be remarried within a year. This is where my thoughts dwelled allowing me to numb myself by not confronting my pain completely.

This March marks the third year since I left my ex. I have spent three years believing that I would be married before the next holiday. I have spent three years missing being a wife; Believing that people do what they are good at- I thought I would be a wife again soon. I have spent three years being the third wheel, the one that wasnt invited to the couples BBQ, the one that was asked if I have met anyone new, or if I was going to be getting married anytime soon. Three years of hiding my left hand from the other parents at her school so they wouldnt notice I didnt wear a ring. Three years that I have been playing both mom and DAD for our daughter. Three years of parenting on my own. I used to tell myself to enjoy this time that I have with my daughter alone, because it wont be long before it'll never be this way again. Although I have enjoyed every moment, I never thought it would have lasted this long.

This is where I throw my pity party. I kick and scream and cry alone because IT JUST ISNT FAIR. I was an amazing wife that didnt believe in quitting. My daughter is an amazing little girl that definitely is completely blameless and innocent and undeserving. I was told that I would be a wife again soon. These painful empty promises have become hurtful lies I told my heart every day so that I could function. And now, three years later I see that it was nothing more than a band-aid on a traumatic injury. I am going to be 31 at the end of the month. I thought somehow I would be remarried by now and pregnant with another child, and my daughter would have a man she could proudly call daddy. I am in a place where I have no exposure to other singles- Feel online dating is not the place for me- and yet I am incredibly alone and the novelty has long worn off.

My mom used to tell me "life isnt fair." My grandfather use to say that "You know youre alive if you can feel pain."My church tells me "compare yourself to the suffering of Christ." Friends tell me, "It'll happen when you arent looking for it."

I guess for me, I just need to acknowledge my pain finally, and cry this one out. I tend to avoid crying if possible. Most of us do. It shows weakness- At this moment I am weak. Maybe this hurt will heal, maybe it wont. Simple validation and acknowledgement of perceptions, real or false, makes me confront the pain- instead of numbing it. Im tired of numbing it. So a pity party it is. I can figure out how to change this situation tomorrow- but tonight I think I need to cry because it is OK. Traumatic sadness happens.

Singing the V-Day Blues?

I knew that Valentine's Day was coming up this month, and for a moment panic set in as I envisioned myself sitting at home on the couch crying my eyes out because I was going to be alone. I pictured that I would pick up my daughter from school and she would have oodles of Valentines from her classmates. We would share a nice dinner at home. And then from 8pm till I finally would be too tired to stay awake I would sit on the couch with a huge pit in my stomach, sadly sickened that I was alone and fearing I would be alone forever.

This was too much for me to endure after surviving the holidays alone- so I decided to make the most of my singledom and take on the roll of cupid!

I found a married couple that rarely gets time to themselves. I didnt have to look far really, I knew my sister could use the weekend away with her hubby. I have watched their kids before, and so I offered to watch them for a night. This made me feel really good knowing that I was helping someone else have that romantic moment. I realized I was not going to be allowed to sit on their couch sulking knowing they were having a good time while I was at their house alone. So- I made plans to throw an 80s dance with the kids that night at the house. I knew this would keep my mind off of my loneliness.

This just might be one of the many amazing things that my mom taught me growing up: When you are giving to others, it makes it hard to feel like you dont have anything. It takes your focus off of yourself and what you dont have, and puts your focus on others and how much you DO have.

Nonetheless, I do have to say that it is OK for there to be some sadness. I think as a society we tend to not know how to handle sadness and grief. We want to move past it quickly as if it is an emotion that should not matter or be addressed. It is normal to be a little bit sad that you were once married and are now alone. That you had that person that you thought was going to be your Forever Valentine and now they are gone. The fact that you are sad, shows that you really did care for that person. If they were an important part of our lives at some point, we wouldnt be sad but rather indifferent. You may not be grieving that person per say, but you are grieving those dreams that you lost. With this being said, I do think that it is important to not let this emotion to overcome you. Maybe set a certain time away for you to think about those things and give them validation. This will actually help you to keep your emotions intact and avoid becoming numb to the pain because youre not allowing yourself to address it. After the kids go to bed, plan on taking a bubble bath with some candles. I always feel better if I cry in the bath tub; and maybe because I know when I get out of the tub, it is time to rinse that bad mojo off and start fresh. There is something that is so incredibly hopeful about starting fresh.

Happy Valentines Day!

Fractured Family?!

I was sitting among family and friends recently when it was casually stated, "There are more and more FRACTURED families out there these days." The word hit me like a verbal assault. I knew that the intent wasnt to offend me, but I also knew that I illustrated the intent behind the use of "Fractured Family": a single parent, divorced, or re-blended family. The offense made me think.


Merriam-Webster defines the medical term Fractured: (noun) the act or process of breaking or the state of being broken; specifically : the breaking of hard tissue (as bone).

Quick medical run down of a fracture in layman terms:
   - Fracture: hard tissue is broken (bone is broken)
   - Cartiliage begins to weave through out the bone forming a "fracture callous" binding the hard tissue together
   - Hard tissue begins to heal using the fracture callous as support.
   - Eventually, the fracture callus is remodeled into a new shape which closely duplicates the bone's original shape and strength.
 
I love love  LOVE that last part... the part that reads: duplicates the original shape and strength.

Just thinking outside the box, why is a family that has been broken, have to continue to be labeled as "fractured"... even after healing has set in? If the family doesnt fit the traditional mold: mother, father, and 2.5 kids, why is it still considered broken?? Yes, there is overwhelming studies that have proven that children thrive the best when there is a father and mother that are involved and are supportive in their lives. Yet, I have seen the damages first hand of a child that is involved in a family that, although intact, is fractured in every way. "Thrive" is not the word that would be used to describe the effects on that child. The family unit, although intact technically, is weak and broken. Broken and weak is the complete opposite of the life my daughter and I have recreated together for our family. OUR FAMILY. Her and I are a complete family unit, a very much intact, strong, supportive and functioning family. Hardly fractured now.

I implore those of you that use this term to think twice before you use it again. To vocalize this definition to describe a single parent family portrays a weakness. This injects that weakness into a healing environment, and rather than supporting and encouraging restoration after disintegration- it undermines the regenerative advancements and continues to recognize the family in it's most painful state- broken. This implies a hopelessness. It illustrates to the child, as well as the parent, that they are missing something; like a puzzle that never can be completed without the missing piece. And what do we do with puzzles that are missing pieces?? We throw them away. They are useless. Let's change our thinking. Let's build our families up, and use edifying definitions to describe those that dont fit in the "normal" box of society.

Jaded Refugee looking for Trustworthy Bear Hugger

Sometimes I just need a hug. Hugs from my princess are precious and amazingly embracing considering she just over three feet tall. But those are not the hugs that I am talking about this time. Sometimes I need a manly bear hug; one of those hugs that is all embracing, protective, reassuring, comforting, and makes me feel like a woman. An embrace that offers refuge from the world, and in that moment you have comfort and peace. I hate that I know sometimes I just need one. Makes me feel weak. I grew up with a loving dad that was involved with us as daughters, I got lots of hugs. I loved that when he hugged me, I felt secure. My weakness was protected. My dad is a really good hugger, but my dad isnt always available- life seems to get in the way. (Yea- I know... Im lucky- I have a really good dad!)

I know the problem is me. Single moms dont ask for help, and when it is readily offered, we rarely accept. It isnt because we have some sort of internal desire to look like a modern day martyr- or at least, for me, it is more that I hate being weak. I have associated accepting help as weakness. I spent the majority of my marriage weak. I now have control - and it is hard for me to give that up! Personal weakness is a huge fear of mine. However, despite being a leader or a follower, occasionally we all need some refuge. We battle daily the hardships and pressures life has to throw at us: financial pressures, career pressures, social pressures, familial pressures... the list is never ending. Especially as a solo mom, we are doing it all: housework, yardwork, repairs, working, cooking, parenting for two... there is no doubt that we wouldnt trade it for the world, but that is not to say that occasionally it is amazing when someone steps in with relief. It is just hard to accept the relief, for fear of loosing the control that we have worked so hard to gain and maintain. Maybe it would be nice if I didnt have the option and it just happened. Maybe I would resist it more without trust in place.

I look at a lot of the single moms that I know, and the blogs of those that I follow. I see that I tend to identify with the one that is afraid to let that guard down with a man again. Afraid to get hurt. As the line in Jerry McGuire goes, we have been to the puppet show and seen the strings. We come across hardened and jaded towards the opportunity of a man stepping in and baring some of our responsibility- let alone appear to be weak and in need of a hug! We are women- hear us roar! We appear to be incredibly independent without a need for a man. My independence is something that I do value, and at this point in my life- am not willing to throw it recklessly away for the idea of love. My independence and ability to see my daughter thrive of my own doing is a freedom I refuse to give up right now. That isnt to say that I dont miss being the weaker one occasionally. Its a difficult conundrum: Afraid to show weakness so we bare entire responsibility and wear ourselves thin "being strong"; and showing weakness because that is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable again, weak again, and that takes trust and surrendered of control.

I guess I just need to find a balance, as in all things in my life. I need to recognize that all men will not fail me. And some men are incredibly trust worthy... enough that I could be vulnerable and ask for one of those bear hugs I miss so much.

A Date with my Daughter!!

T and I took a day off and went to the beach for some fun in the sun and seafood!! We love going out on dates... whether it is a nice dinner, or a fun place to hang!

Daddy Shopping

Part I: Do you take Cash, Credit, or Desperation??

I have to admit... after 5 years of marriage- I was in a hurry to find a daddy for my baby girl! I did not know how to stand on my own two feet. I had no confidence in my ability to be able to parent her successfully alone. I felt incredibly insecure on my own, and I desperately missed having a "family"! I felt that having someone would help to soften the heart breaking blow of the affair... and the failure of my marriage. I felt like I was wronged- and since I made such a fabulous wife (TootToot<-- my own horn!) I deserved to do what I was good at. I didnt want my daughter to miss out on anything because she didn't have a daddy in her life. So I set out to find her a daddy stat! I went daddy shopping....

Lucky for me... I came home empty handed. But not for a lack of trying!!  (Note to Self: you cant purchase a dad with emotional baggage!)

Ok- confession time: (I cant believe I am about to tell you this!!)

I managed to scare off a great guy with my desperate psycho-clinginess right out of the gate. Quite possibly my most epically embarrassing period of desperation.We had hung out a couple of times- would talk on the phone... but then he stopped calling as much. I called and called and called, leaving message after message after message and text after text after text! I made him four different types of cookies, drew funny pictures on each gallon bag of cookies I made for him, and drove all the way to his house to drop them off on his door step. I called him some more- leaving message after message- text after text. This embarrassing madness continued until I found out he was dating someone. In my psycho desperation I missed signals, mixed up other signals... and never saw that we were just friends. Nothing more. My desperation was blinding. My emotional baggage was all over... I was a mess- and not in a hot way!

I wasn't even close to being in the right place to start dating- I was Daddy shopping for all the wrong reasons, and I had nothing to offer in payment for a daddy of value. 

So, after a divorce... when is it ok to start dating again?

I think that the first part of this process is a healthy dose of grieving. Enter the 7-steps of Grief...

Step 1: Shock and Denial

I was still in love with the wonderful side of him... that I hadnt seen in years. He was sweet and loving and funny and protective. Someone that I shared adventurous memories with doing the most ridiculous things (ie: driving our motorhome to the Walmart parking lot to stay the night- because we couldnt afford the gas to actually get past the city limits!). I had witnessed a darker side of him over take the man I fell in love with as he fell deeper and deeper into his addictions. I choose not to dwell on those things- because I knew I wasnt strong enough to change them. The man that I had a restraining order against wasnt the man who's last name I carried.

Step 2: Pain and Guilt

Wow... this stage was hard on the finances! My daughter and I called it "Retail Therapy"... and oh it felt sooo good! We would be feeling a little on the blue side of the spectrum and would jump in the car with a retail store in mind... spend hours strolling the isles and picking up things that we didnt need- but wanted!! Ha ha ha. In retrospect- probably not the best thing. Ha ha ha! It was hard at this point for me. I felt guilty for putting her in danger by allowing him to watch her while I worked... I felt guilty for choosing to have a baby with him (not that I regretted her!! She was the best thing that I EVER did!!)... I felt guilty that I had to work and earn a living... the list went on and on. The pain at times was palpable and written across my swollen face. I lived on water-proof mascara and coffee... why try to sleep when my empty bed was only another bitter illustration of my loss?? 

Step 3: Anger and Bargaining

I was bending over to pick up a stuffed animal one day... when it hit me like a semi-truck... how could he do this to me?!! I picked up the toy and flung it with all my strength across the room- I ran into my room and began punching my pillows and throwing things across the room in an intense fiery of tears and burning anger. I couldnt understand why God would allow this after I had trusted Him to redeem my marriage from failure. I couldnt understand why my (then) husband would do this to me after I gave him everything that he wanted and needed with a happy heart. As incredibly intense and gut-wrenching this stage was... it was also kinda redeeming. If I didnt get mad- I would have never acknowledged that I knew I deserved better... both my daughter and I deserved better. 

Step 4: Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness (... and just when you think that youre on step 7... Step 4 slaps you in the face like a stinky dead fish.)

I challenged myself to untie the old memories and make new ones. I usually picked locations that had a memory of me and him. (Some of them not great memories... but still it was a place that screamed him- and I was sick of him). My natural reaction was to avoid that place... but I knew sooner or later I would encounter that location again. So, I would choose that as our destination for the day with plans to recreate some new memories. Sometimes it left me with intense sadness until I realized that I had just tied new and better memories to that location!! I was slowly burying the old memories and making new ones, one adventure at a time! This was the weakest stage. I hated the way I felt: lethargic, tired, achy, irritable, frustrated, and completely chaotic. I had no peace- and my mind was always on overload of what I didnt have. I forgot the simplest things... bills, my wallet, keys. This step seemed to be all encompassing when I allowed it to be. I learned to control it to avoid letting it spill into my daughters' life. I found naptime, showers, and the garage to be consoling places to squirt a couple if I needed to cry. 

Step 5: The Upward Turn (My favorite!)

In the movie Runaway Bride, Julia Roberts plays a character that eats her eggs however her fiancee likes his. Eventually she needs to learn how she likes to eat her eggs solo. Whether you are reminded of how you like to eat your eggs, or you are learning for the first time... this is the step where you begin to build and get settled into a life that is your own. I loved this step! It was empowering to plan a vacation without him. It was incredible to decorate my house the way I liked it with things that I liked , cook the food I liked- all because I liked it! It felt so good to see the pictures hanging on the wall with smiling memories to illustrate my success. The painful sting of being alone began to transform into a victorious crown of glorious success. I could be independent apart from him, raise our little girl on my own without his help, and have a wonderful quality of life... AND PEACE! I began to remember things easier and started to tackle small challenges like our old file cabinet. I could see the future for the first time... and it was pretty bright!

Step 6: Reconstruction and Working Through

This is hard work... and really more a constant process than a step you breeze through on your way to bliss. Sometimes my emotions hit me hard... and I find myself being weighed down by the intensity. I want to curl up on the couch and sleep. Instead- I grab a shovel, rake, bush wackers, and get outside into the sun for some good old fashioned hard labor. This is a productive way to work through my emotions. When Im done- I have glorious blisters of success, and a gorgeous yard. Its a win-win. I have also begun to tackle things that were otherwise overwhelming for me... like my vehicle and credit. I finally had the mental capacity to handle the stress without breaking. 

Step 7: Acceptance and Hope

I have accepted that I am successful on my own. I soooo content with only my daughter as my plus one. I love not having to check in with anyone or asking permission. I have embraced my freedom that I otherwise before saw as a prison of loneliness. Yes- I do have my moments I wish I had a partner with me to make my life easier, someone to share my life with. However I love not having the added drama that can also come with a relationship. I love the peace in my home. I love the availability I have to my daughter. Most of all, I love that I have demonstrated several life lessons to her in the past two and a half years. The most important being that she doesnt need a man to complete her... and resilience. I am no longer angry with my ex personally. I no longer wish that things would have worked, and rarely think of him unless it is in respect to the daughter I have the privileged to raise alone. I know I walked away with the best he had to offer!

I finally feel after giving myself time to grieve, I have something to offer when I decide to go Daddy shopping! And it isnt desperation or emotional baggage; rather an incredible package of two stellar chicks that love to rock... and we aren't cheap! I am no longer looking to do the leg work... I'm content on my own. HE's gonna have to work and do the legwork to catch and earn this gift! And it is her and I that ultimately will get to pick "The One" for us!

True Intentions: A Mother's Guilt

Babies come with oodles of warning labels: "Dont use pacifiers" "The breast is best" "Make sure to use Dreft detergent" "Dont burp that way..." "Hold the head"  "watch out for belly button" ... the list goes on. But the one that someone forgot to warn me about was the Mother's guilt. It was intense and would evoke me to tears on occasion. It could motivated me to go three days without a shower, spend sleepless nights rocking her, Work a 10 hour day to afford diapers, make sure she was content and full before touching my own meal, hold her hand in the back seat even though my arm was going numb... the emotion changed my life.

I got the job with the fire department when she was 2 years old. I was working long hours and had an even longer commute. My ex, then husband at that time was our daughter's care taker while I was working. I would come home to find him high and intoxicated. I knew without the drugs he was intolerable and had a temper that left bruises, both physical and emotional. I hated leaving her with him, but knew I had to provide for my family- because no one else could. I was afraid what he would do if I suggested we find a daycare for our daughter while I worked- and placed her in danger to avoid his temper. I had a lot of guilt over my long hours, her inadequate and abusive caregiver, my willingness to place her in harm to avoid his wrath... and that is when it started. I would come home with small gifts for her every day: M&M candies, candy necklace, PEZ candies, chapsticks, small flashlights... etc.

After we left her dad, it didnt get any better... in fact I am pretty sure that it got worse. Now, in addition to carrying the guilt of long hours at work, sacrificing her safety with knowledge of abuse, I also piled on the guilt of being an only parent, her grief for her absentee dad, my shattered dreams of raising my baby with a loving and doting father, my personal desire to have some adult time, added guilt when I yelled at her, guilt for feeling like I require too much of her... the guilt piled on my plate. I already was in the habit of bringing home small surprises for her, and with the additional guilt it felt easier to make her smile with a bag of Skittles. But it wasnt just a bag of Skittles... it was chocolate milk at bed, that toy, and that movie, and that pack of gum, and that dress-up makeup... I found myself bribing her all the time. This did not alleviate my guilt either; in fact I felt more guilty that I was bribing her, giving her unhealthy things to eat and drink, not teaching her a good work ethic, teaching her that instant gratification was best... I couldnt win.

After reading another mom's post regarding bribes and rewards, I decided on the following plan to wean myself of giving unhealthy bribes, and my daughter of expecting them.
To read the full post on why bribes are bad, and creative forms of rewarding check out this:
http://www.theidearoom.net/2011/06/are-your-kids-hooked-on-bribes-and-rewards.html

I took a baggie of pocket change and put it to good use. When she does something good, I will pay her... ie: putting her plate into the sink after dinner, picking up her toys before bed, and listening to her nanny while Im at work...

We cut a piece of paper the size of a small Mason jar. She decorated it with glitter, and stickers, eyes, and markers.

We used a small mason jar. This way it gets filled up quicker and is more encouraging.

This idea makes me smile too! It teaches her the value of a dollar, it can be hard to earn it... and even harder to save it! I really hope this works for us!! I will let you know how it goes!!

How to Help Your Child Celebrate a Daddy-less Father's Day: A lesson in Resilience

A daughter was complaining to her mother about the drama of her life. As she whined, her mother was in the kitchen boiling water. When the daughter was finished, the mother said,  "See the three pots of water? All three have the same heat, the same harshness, the same intensity. In one pot I have placed carrots, in the second eggs, and in the third is coffee. The carrots have become weak, the eggs have hardened, but the coffee has remained relatively the same- with one exception. The coffee has also produced something useful after enduring the same element as the rest." The mother poured her daughter some coffee, and the daughter smiled understanding what the mother was trying to tell her.

This is a story I read in some email sent to me years ago, but it has stuck with me; I even coined the motto : Be the Bean. Resilience is an important quality to both demonstrate as parents and to teach our children. It is the plain truth of life that we will not get everything our way; Life isnt fair. This is a harsh reality written in the disappointed look of a child with one parent.

My daughter's father and I couldnt work things out. We both can play the blame game and point fingers at each other, neither one of us is innocent. We both carry responsibility for the failure of our marriage. The end result of this failure: our daughter not being raised with a dad in her life. She is completely innocent. This is completely unfair to her. She made no choices to bring this upon her, yet here she is.

Since the first Father's day after we left my ex-husband/her dad, I have struggled with helping her to celebrate "a day of dad". The first year, we made cards for Grampa... her dad, although still local, was busy and didn't arrange a visitation that weekend. The second father's day, we wrote poems for her grampa and all of her uncles- her dad had moved to Massachusetts by now and his calls were infrequent at best. We wanted to honor the men that choose to be in her life and willingly accepted part of the role as "dad" (aka: loving protective male role model) This helped to focus her mind on what she did have in her life, the amazing men that didnt have to- but willingly choose to step forward and take on more responsibility, and most of all, took on loving her!!

This year is a little more challenging. Her dad decided to start calling for a month (or so) on a regular basis just before June- because this lasted short term, her disappointment is still fresh. She is also enrolled in Preschool this year... which means they are going to do the dreaded Donuts with Dad  brunch. She already struggled so badly missing her dad since starting preschool, mainly because the rest of the kids had moms and dads. She wanted a man to hold that role in her life so bad. I cringed when her teacher asked what my plan was for Donuts with Dad. It wasnt fair to her... I wanted to protect her from the pain... but knew I couldn't protect her forever. So I needed to help her develop coping mechanisms and ways to gracefully accommodate the Hallmark Holidays she wouldnt classically be able to celebrate. I decided to call my dad and ask if he could arrange to go with her. This ended up to be the best thing ever, not only did my dad enjoy the morning with his granddaughter... but she felt sooo special to be the only one with a grampa! She actually felt like she was "cooler" than the rest of the kids that "only had their boring dads there"!

Merriam-Webster defines resilience as the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress.  I have heard people tell me that children are resilient, and the context in which it is said implies it is in a child's nature to be so. This is far from the truth. No one is resilient by nature, children are no exception. Although resilience will help you greatly through life, it is a learned characteristic. Children learn best from example- therefore teaching yourself resilience may in the end be also teaching your children. I try not to wonder why her dad choose to not to be a part of her life, but try to remember that I walked away with the best he had to offer; her dad is the one missing out- not her!! 

Try helping your child to look at what they have in their life, rather than spend a  hallmark holiday focusing on what they dont. Yes, there is a time and place to hold them as they grieve that missing role in their lives... but dont let them focus on that. Instead, help them to focus on what they do have, and find ways to show how thankful they are. Make a list, write a song, make some cards, cut out pictures of all the people in your and your child's life that you are thankful for. We like to play a game called, who loves me? We verbally name off everyone in our lives that love us and we are thankful for. A thankful heart is free from the bondage of anger and bitterness. A thankful heart is free from the depressive grief and sadness that can reduce us to tears. A thankful heart takes a not-so-great situation and turns it into a blessing. A thankful heart will find ways to honor the man (or men) in their lives that have willingly taken on all or partial role of the massive gift and responsibility of a male role model in their little lives and hearts.

As mothers all we can do is help to teach them to withstand the elements of life, take what they have been given, and make the best of it with a thankful heart. Teach them to Be the Bean.

Help! They've Quarantined Me Because Im a Single Mom!!

I had decided to take my daughter to the park. It was a bright sunny day, and despite working all night, it felt invigorating to be outside. When we got to the park there was another mom there with her three kids. Soon enough our kids were busy playing and she was sitting next to be on the bench and we were deep in mommy conversation. She glowed with excitement as she gushed to me about being a full-time mom, how much she loved her son and two daughters, talked about her adoring husband who worked from home and the amazing familial benefits that produced, home-schooling, churches, etc. She asked me where I work, and was very intrigued, then asked if I was going to have another kiddo soon. Little did I know, my answer would steer the entire conversation to an end. I explained that I would love to, I wanted my children 4-5 years apart, but I didnt think it was going to be possible for me anytime soon. She asked me if I was having a hard time conceiving? I answered her honestly, I was currently divorced and wanted to be remarried before I thought about children. Suddenly she stood up, nervously rocking her baby back and forth as if my marital status was contagious and I just maliciously infected her and her off-spring! She attempted poorly to politely excuse herself from the park, and I was left feeling diseased!

I usually can laugh at almost everything... including this instance- it didnt mean that it didnt bother me though. It DID bother me. Yet, it is a common occurrence that I have learned is a lot less painful to laugh at, than take it personally. I felt like for some, they viewed a single mom, a divorcee', as if it was contagious. My closest friends that I have had for years are mostly all happily paired off. I never really thought twice about the ease it was for us to hang out before I was divorced. However, after earning the identity "Ex-wife", it was more challenging to get the invites. Suddenly, I felt left out of events that occupied mostly coupled guests. It hurts. And even as I write this I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Not only does being a single mom mean you are suddenly partner-less, but you also have to feel like your diseased because your single-ness is contagious? So out of frustration I decided to explore some of the reasons why this may occur, and come up with some ideas to help remedy the pain.

According to a study done by researchers at Brown, Harvard, and University California San Diego, it was discovered that divorce can spread between siblings, friends, and co-workers. The results of a 32-year study named Breaking Up is Hard to Do, Unless Everyone Else Is Doing It found that a persons probability to divorce depends on his friends divorce status AND even extends to his friend's friend's divorce status! According to the study, "The full network shows that participants are 75% more likely to be divorced if a person (obviously other than the spouse) that they are directly connected to (at one-degree of separation) is divorced." The likeliness of divorce is lowered to 33% if there are two-degrees of separation; at three- degrees of separation the likeliness disappears completely.

On the flip-side of this finding, the study discovered that the likeliness of divorce was greatly diminished when the couple involved in the union had friends in common.

The US Census Bureau found in 2008 that 50% of marriages end in divorce the first 15 years. This probability is greatly increased with each consecutive re-marriage.

Having gone through a divorce myself, I understand the deep personal pain and the long lasting effects. If I had a marriage that gave me a reason for my eyes to sparkle like the woman's in the park, I would want to protect it with all my strength too. So what can I do?? Am I doomed forever to walk the earth alone like the Incredible Hulk?? Am I marred with a bright red permanent sign on my forehead that reads, "I am a threat to your marriage because I am divorced!!"?? Is there ANYTHING I can do to salvage the married friendships I have without risking their marriage's success?

In a study done by Berkman in 1995 it was found, "For social support to be health promoting, it must provide both a sense of belonging and intimacy and must help people to be more competent and self-efficacious." What does this mean? In order to preserve friendships with married friends it is important to consistently encourage their success, individually and as a couple, rather than focus on their failure. (BTW: This also means not dominating your conversation with your own personal failures and negative drama!)

I have a friend who is married, but even before she was married, she ALWAYS talked so highly of her man. She constantly used words like "Dreamy" and would brag about the "Amazing" things he would do for her. She never indulged us girls in his faults. When I was with her, I only wanted to focus on the great aspects of my marriage, regardless of its reality. I loved talking to her, being around her; that positive energy radiated from her. I am sure he isnt perfect- but you would never know that from her! That is the kind of friend that us single girls need to be. One that affirms the reasons that our friends tied that knot, reminds them why he was "her one", and helps her dote on his positive side instead of allowing her to verbally validate the faults in their relationship without a positive counter.

If you find you need to talk to someone about the sometimes painful sting of being a single parent, find a single parent support group! Support groups can be anything from people that you meet with, or online chatters! Remember, birds of a feather flock together; surround yourself with the type of women you want to be. Avoid those that focus on their bitterness, anger, and resentment of the details of the divorce. Instead find women that are interested in play-dates, preschools, hobbies, careers, and enjoying the privilege of parenthood.
Here are a couple websites may assist you in a support group search:
      www.themommiesnetwork.org
      www.singlemom.com

I dont think I need to say this... but just in-case, keep the friendships along gender lines. If you are a single dad, dont go out and friend a married mom. Same goes for us women, as a single mom- I should not seek out a personal friendship exclusively with a married dad.  Be it wrong or right... it keeps things out of the grey areas. Protect your friends marriage... it is fragile and needs to be handle with absolute reverence.

Like a good friend, rejoice in their successes without envy or jealousy! If you are the kind of friend that points them to the positive aspects of their marriage, the reasons they fell in love with their spouse, the ways that their partner helps to complete them in their weaknesses, you will be a rare asset to the success of their marriage. Their spouse will want you to be their partners friend, and encourage your time spent knowing your building up their marriage and the spouses character... rather than attempting to tear it down. This will become your new disease... and it can be an epidemic that your friends cant get enough of!

If you want to have true friends, you should be a true friend yourself. - Anonymous

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1490708   <--- Breaking up is Hard to Do, Unless Everyone is doing it Study