"Single" Parent doesnt mean "Disabled"!!

 I had been waiting for this day for so long! I finally took my daughter out for her first surf lesson! Of course, I had waited for her swimming skills to strengthen, and for her to get old enough to want to try. But honestly, I stalled because I was waiting for someone to come with me to be able to help me in the water with her.

So I decided to venture out alone and attempt her lessons solo. She did amazing and I couldn't have been a prouder mommy! She loved riding the white water in, and seemed to have a natural instinct for balance and position on the board. She seemed immune to the chilled waters and smiled and laughed through chattering teeth, "One more time Mom!"

I realized that as a solo mom, I didnt have to limit her experiences because we dont have a dad willing to participate. I am only short changing her (and my own credit) waiting for someone else to come along. I AM a solo mom. I cant change that right now. I would hate for my daughter to look back on her childhood and feel limited in her experience because she didnt have a dad. She shouldnt have to pay for his choices in that manner- she has paid and will continue to pay in other ways there.

I found that taking a small step- and trying something new alone- gave me a sense of independence and strengthened my bond with my daughter. We knew it might not be successful the first try- but at least we were out there trying together. Most of all, I was empowering her instead of victimizing her- an invaluable lesson.

Good Things are Worth Waiting For

Recently, a friend of mine posted a quote on Facebook that really hit home:
"To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, dont settle for any of his relatives: Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheatin-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothin-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz."

Funny advice- but so true, and not just for women! I have met plenty of men out there that are anxious to jump the gun just to have the security of commitment. As a single parent we have a responsibility to our children to protect them and teach them the best that we can. They have already endured intense heart break. These little hearts need time to heal and feel protected instead of abandoned.

I have heard plenty of stories of moms (I am sure stories exist illustrating dad's can be included in this) that have quickly jumped into committed relationships and marriages exposing and sometimes abandoning their children to fill an insecurity of being alone. Some stories have horrific outcomes of abuse, emotional, physical, and sexual.

Before I married, I was a serial girlfriend. I went from one boyfriend to the next with little to no time between relationships. This was mostly because I loved being a girlfriend, having a boyfriend, and having all that came with being in a relationship.

I have been a solo mom for over 3 years now. Do I want to find that best friend and lover? YES YES YES!!! But I dont need to be a girlfriend and or wife because I am insecure alone. Loneliness is never a reason to love.

I watched a single dad run through girlfriends because he was insecure alone after his divorce. Every girl friend that came along- he would tell his kids that this was the one that he was going to marry, after only dating her as little as a month. This had a huge effect on his children as they began to form ideas and opinions of relationships, marriage, men, women, and love, faith and commitment. He was teaching his children life lessons about compromise, goals, vision, and most importantly self worth and the value he placed on his children.

Instead of pining for a partner- realize that you have a gift that you may never have again. You have a time in your life that you are able to give your children 100% of you uninhibited by a relationship. Enjoy your children fully and completely with a thankful heart. Remember: YOU MAY NEVER GET THIS TIME BACK.

We must remember as single parents that our children are ALWAYS watching us and like small sponges, they are interpreting our behaviors and choices, forming opinions, and soaking up information. The mate(s) that we choose ARE going to portray a message to them. If we are never without a "significant other" we may be teaching them that because we feel insecure and incomplete alone- they are not a complete person without another person to complete them and security comes from being with someone. We may be teaching them to settle for second best because it is available. We may be teaching them that it is acceptable to compromise self worth to avoid loneliness. They may be learning that as a parent it is acceptable to put adult needs before the children's.

 
Instead move slowly into relationships. Question and challenge personal attractions and notions. Avoid premature physical intimacy, as this clouds judgement and discernment. Get to know that person as a friend without alternative motives. Do not be afraid to disconnect from people in your life that do not treat you with the respect that you and your child deserve. If you feel a lack of confidence alone- that is an excellent indication that you are not ready for a relationship.

Dont be afraid to be alone and enjoy every moment of it. Contentment is an invaluable lesson that will permeate all aspects of life.


 

Loosing "Our Brittani" - How to say goodbye.

She was one of the first pillars of stability for both my daughter and I. She was sweet and honest, vibrant and fun. We found her through family friends and after four months of shuffling my daughter between grandma's house and the daycare/preschool I had her enrolled in... she was a Godsend. She was our "Live-out Nanny".

My daughter combined her name, Brittani, and her title "nanny", and coined the name "My Brittani"... and it stuck. She was our Brittani. She would get my daughter ready for preschool in the morning and drop her off before I got home from work. She made my daughter dinner, bathed her, hugged her, loved her, and made some very special memories with her. 

Because I work for the Fire Department, my job can sometimes be demanding. When I was working Halloween and didnt want T to miss out, she got my daughter ready in her costume and took her to T's cousins house for Trick or Treat fun. When my daughter was sick at home, and I couldnt get to her, I never feared that she wasnt getting anything but the best of care from "her Brittani". 

Our Brittani wasnt just there for T solely either. She listened to me ramble about how much I hated my divorce, the bitterness I had towards the other woman, custody battles, child support, T's father's absence in her life, new friendships, new boyfriend, family, break-ups, she heard it all. If she ever complained, I never heard it. 

She made cookies, helped me with household chores, ran errands for me. . . the list went on.

I choose a live out nanny, mainly because I had grown to love the peace in my house. I love that I can run around in my tee shirt and socks if I needed to without fear of running into a roommates guest!

She is going to school to be a teacher, and the classes this fall make it impossible for her to work with my schedule. So it is with a heavy heart that I read her resignation. I am so happy for her to move on and continue to follow her goals... but deeply saddened to loose such an important part of our team... our family.

 My daughter has always had a hard time with good byes. Seriously, I think from the time she was an infant, she hated them!! Being that she has dealt with the sudden absence of her father at such a young age, I am concerned with trying to explain to her how to say good bye- or see ya later- to "her Brittani".

 I guess I will just attempt to point her attention to the fact that we have been so lucky to have a "Brittani" in our lives... and we are so proud of her for taking those steps to move forward and become a teacher. Maybe if I get her excited about "her Brittani's" future it will help ease the pain and not feel like we are loosing her, but rather transitioning into another phase with the promise of "see ya later" parties and "we'll talk soon" chats. I hope that works. We have been so blessed with "our Brittani". She will forever be a part of our hearts.

Thank you Brittani for EVERYTHING!! xoxo We adore you!!

AND will miss you tremendously!!!

A Date with my Daughter!!

T and I took a day off and went to the beach for some fun in the sun and seafood!! We love going out on dates... whether it is a nice dinner, or a fun place to hang!

How to Help Your Child Celebrate a Daddy-less Father's Day: A lesson in Resilience

A daughter was complaining to her mother about the drama of her life. As she whined, her mother was in the kitchen boiling water. When the daughter was finished, the mother said,  "See the three pots of water? All three have the same heat, the same harshness, the same intensity. In one pot I have placed carrots, in the second eggs, and in the third is coffee. The carrots have become weak, the eggs have hardened, but the coffee has remained relatively the same- with one exception. The coffee has also produced something useful after enduring the same element as the rest." The mother poured her daughter some coffee, and the daughter smiled understanding what the mother was trying to tell her.

This is a story I read in some email sent to me years ago, but it has stuck with me; I even coined the motto : Be the Bean. Resilience is an important quality to both demonstrate as parents and to teach our children. It is the plain truth of life that we will not get everything our way; Life isnt fair. This is a harsh reality written in the disappointed look of a child with one parent.

My daughter's father and I couldnt work things out. We both can play the blame game and point fingers at each other, neither one of us is innocent. We both carry responsibility for the failure of our marriage. The end result of this failure: our daughter not being raised with a dad in her life. She is completely innocent. This is completely unfair to her. She made no choices to bring this upon her, yet here she is.

Since the first Father's day after we left my ex-husband/her dad, I have struggled with helping her to celebrate "a day of dad". The first year, we made cards for Grampa... her dad, although still local, was busy and didn't arrange a visitation that weekend. The second father's day, we wrote poems for her grampa and all of her uncles- her dad had moved to Massachusetts by now and his calls were infrequent at best. We wanted to honor the men that choose to be in her life and willingly accepted part of the role as "dad" (aka: loving protective male role model) This helped to focus her mind on what she did have in her life, the amazing men that didnt have to- but willingly choose to step forward and take on more responsibility, and most of all, took on loving her!!

This year is a little more challenging. Her dad decided to start calling for a month (or so) on a regular basis just before June- because this lasted short term, her disappointment is still fresh. She is also enrolled in Preschool this year... which means they are going to do the dreaded Donuts with Dad  brunch. She already struggled so badly missing her dad since starting preschool, mainly because the rest of the kids had moms and dads. She wanted a man to hold that role in her life so bad. I cringed when her teacher asked what my plan was for Donuts with Dad. It wasnt fair to her... I wanted to protect her from the pain... but knew I couldn't protect her forever. So I needed to help her develop coping mechanisms and ways to gracefully accommodate the Hallmark Holidays she wouldnt classically be able to celebrate. I decided to call my dad and ask if he could arrange to go with her. This ended up to be the best thing ever, not only did my dad enjoy the morning with his granddaughter... but she felt sooo special to be the only one with a grampa! She actually felt like she was "cooler" than the rest of the kids that "only had their boring dads there"!

Merriam-Webster defines resilience as the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress.  I have heard people tell me that children are resilient, and the context in which it is said implies it is in a child's nature to be so. This is far from the truth. No one is resilient by nature, children are no exception. Although resilience will help you greatly through life, it is a learned characteristic. Children learn best from example- therefore teaching yourself resilience may in the end be also teaching your children. I try not to wonder why her dad choose to not to be a part of her life, but try to remember that I walked away with the best he had to offer; her dad is the one missing out- not her!! 

Try helping your child to look at what they have in their life, rather than spend a  hallmark holiday focusing on what they dont. Yes, there is a time and place to hold them as they grieve that missing role in their lives... but dont let them focus on that. Instead, help them to focus on what they do have, and find ways to show how thankful they are. Make a list, write a song, make some cards, cut out pictures of all the people in your and your child's life that you are thankful for. We like to play a game called, who loves me? We verbally name off everyone in our lives that love us and we are thankful for. A thankful heart is free from the bondage of anger and bitterness. A thankful heart is free from the depressive grief and sadness that can reduce us to tears. A thankful heart takes a not-so-great situation and turns it into a blessing. A thankful heart will find ways to honor the man (or men) in their lives that have willingly taken on all or partial role of the massive gift and responsibility of a male role model in their little lives and hearts.

As mothers all we can do is help to teach them to withstand the elements of life, take what they have been given, and make the best of it with a thankful heart. Teach them to Be the Bean.

She misses the role... cant remember the man.

It has been three months, going on four since my ex husband has called to talk to our daughter.

Background:
When we left him, she was two years old. He had been a stay-at-home dad since she was about 7 months old because he lost his job. He had an anger problem and always struggled to keep steady employment. The plan was for him to find his "dream" job, but instead he became content to stay at home while I worked. I was concerned about his ability to care for our child while I was at work. He had a problem with anger, depression and alcohol. Not exactly the dream situation. Unfortunately it took me a long time to muster up the courage to stand up to him, and I had put our daughter at risk in his care until she was 2 years old. Unfortunately, by the time I finally stood up to him, it was too late to realistically salvage much. He had attempted suicide while caring for our daughter alone; overdosed another time on alcohol and stopped breathing several times on the way to the hospital; had a long term affair with our neighbor, plus many other unconfessed indiscretions; was addicted to getting high in what ever form he could find; and moved into the spare bedroom.

We left in spring of 09 while he was in the shower. I immediately got an emergency custody order to protect my daughter, and a restraining order to protect me. He got supervised visitation, once a week for 5 hours. He only exercised this three times, the last time being in June of 09. He hasnt seen her since, and moved back to Massachusetts to live with his dad shortly after his DUI conviction in fall of 09.

Since then, his calls became less and less with more time between call. She has had two birthdays since then. She has entered preschool and will start kindergarten this fall as a 5 year old.

What She Knows:
She knows that her daddy moved away to start things over again. She knows that he was really sick and needed someone to help him. She knows that he loves her and that I love her. She knows that her Grandma and Grandpa, Aunts and Uncles, Cousins and friends LOVE her very much.

Lately:
She has been saying she misses her daddy. She last talked to him Christmas, when he called to see if she got the gifts he sent her. He talked to her for 30 seconds, then asked for me. She left a message on his voice-mail thanking him for the Christmas gifts, he never called her back. And he hasn't called since then.

When she says she misses him, I ask her what she misses about him. From her answer it is clear to me that she doesnt remember much about him. She fantasizes about the man he is. I allow that. Sometimes I tell her some of the good memories that I have of him, or the two of them, or us as a family. But it has been clear to me that she misses the role of a dad in her life, not that she necessarily misses him.

This has made me at times want to run out and find someone to marry so that she has a dad again. In fact, it was hard to break up with the boyfriend because I knew how much she adored him. I also know that I dont want to raise a woman to feel that she isnt complete without a man. That a marriage is supposed to be a commitment to partnership, and not a commitment of desperation. I want her to see that she is something of worth, and needs to be valued. Some may look at my situation of being a single parent with a child and think that I should take what I can get. But I look at my situation and see that I have something that is amazingly extraordinary, and I wont accept anyone that doesnt want to work to earn what we have to offer!!

Until that man comes along, I encourage time with her uncles and grandpa. I try to do the "dad" stuff with her. But mostly I just hold her and hug her and let her talk. I dont really know anyone in my situation. And I have read some on this... but Im mostly following my instincts, hoping I am doing right by her.