Dating Hiatus Discoveries: Scared with Good Reason

The other night, right before my last post was online, I received an early morning text message from the insomniac photographer (Contestant #4). I hadnt heard from him since we both wished the other good luck in life. I'll paraphrase the text:

For whatever reason you crossed my mind. I have never met anyone as scared as you. Im sure you'd be offended by the statement, "I feel sorry for you" or you'd blow it off or possibly out of proportion... but I do. You're a good girl trapped by fear...

...I hope you eventually meet the right guy but I imagine that the most likely situation will be just what feels safe, not what is truly right... I hope for your sake I'm wrong...

He was dead right... I was extremely offended! How dare he accuse me of being scared?! I was the one that blew him off! It wasnt because I was scared! It was because he just wasnt right for me!! Seriously?! What a JERK!

A week or two passed and I started to think about his words. They got under my skin and were festering. I was thinking about them, they were bothering me. Why was I allowing this guy that had met me twice and knew me primarily through text message say something that seriously bothered my heart? It wasnt that I wanted to text him back. I took painful measures to close that can of worms! Could it be that he took a stab in the dark and was actually right? Am I scared? What am I afraid of? Do I have reason to be afraid?

Suddenly I the lights came on, and there was his dagger. He had hit his mark dead on. He was correct.

I am terrified, not just scared. I am afraid of making the wrong choice and failing again. I HATE BEING DIVORCED. I hate listening to my little girl tell me as tears stream down her face that she wishes that Daddy and me never broke up. I would NEVER have chosen this, and yet I know all too well that the success and failure of a marriage doesnt rely primarily on one person. I am so desperately afraid of choosing a man that after another 5 years decides we have just grown apart and wants a divorce. I want to succeed, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. I mean those words with all my heart, with every fiber of my being really. I choose not to waiver in my promise. I want so badly a man that makes my heart skip, that makes my knees weaken, that makes my soul smile, that also means those words with every fiber of his being and wont waiver.

I have excellent reason to be afraid. She is 5 years old and has blue eyes and dimples. She has the sweetest laugh that is so contagious. She has experienced the worst heart break as she has continually watches her dream of "Daddy" die knowing he can be a part of her life, but chooses not to. It isnt about me anymore. This is so much bigger than me. I need to find a man that will show her what a real man is in all areas of his life.

I know the thin line that will need to be walked between a man that makes my knees weak and heart melt, and a man that adores my little girl as much as she will be excited to have a man in her life again. It is a delicate balance full of gray areas. I know a man that is good with her makes my knees weak, what single mom would deny this? Nothing is more attractive than a man that is good with your kids! I also know it isnt the same weakness as pure attraction. Like a good friend once told me, "You have to be in sync with him because kids grow up and move out, and you will still be sharing a life together."

So am I scared?? YES!!! Do I have good reason to fear? YES!!! Is it ok to be scared?? ABSOLUTELY. If I didnt fear, I might question if I really learned anything from my history to prevent it from repeating itself. Fear is like the ocean, it can be so powerful and demands respect. It can push, pull, batter, and drown. It also can be a source of transportation, recreation, and amazing beauty and life. We need to yield to our fears, but not let our fears control us.

So, contestant #4 was absolutely right; just not right for me.