Traumatic Sadness Happens.

****WARNING: I seriously debated on whether to post this one or not. I hope that my vulnerability and honesty can help someone else. This is NOT an attempt to solicit sympathy or paint myself as a victim.***

We all do it when we are uncomfortable with being unable to comfort another's pain. Simple words to give hope, founded or not. "She is in a better place now." "He is the one that is missing out." "You were too good for him anyways." "Youre better off without him." When I left my ex, I was told from friends and family that loved me and wanted to take my pain away, "Dont worry- it wont be long until youre remarried!" I remember the thought of marrying anyone other than my husband sickened me at first. Then it became a foundation I stood on- I began to believe it. For a while, it took my pain away. I found that it gave me comfort and a pseudo strength believing that I would someday soon be some amazing man's incredible wife. I wouldnt be lonely anymore the way I am now. My daughter would have a daddy again.

March has always been a really hard month for me. It used to be that it was hard because it was the month that everything came together and five years later fell apart in my marriage. Now it seems it is just another brutal reminder of what I dont have. This March has been harder than the years past.

I have been depressed and saddened over my failures before. I guess looking back at it all now- I numbed myself to function. If I wasnt crying I was able to function through the custody battle, restraining orders, divorce and creating a stable life for our daughter. I also had hope. I believed the empty promises that I would be remarried within a year. This is where my thoughts dwelled allowing me to numb myself by not confronting my pain completely.

This March marks the third year since I left my ex. I have spent three years believing that I would be married before the next holiday. I have spent three years missing being a wife; Believing that people do what they are good at- I thought I would be a wife again soon. I have spent three years being the third wheel, the one that wasnt invited to the couples BBQ, the one that was asked if I have met anyone new, or if I was going to be getting married anytime soon. Three years of hiding my left hand from the other parents at her school so they wouldnt notice I didnt wear a ring. Three years that I have been playing both mom and DAD for our daughter. Three years of parenting on my own. I used to tell myself to enjoy this time that I have with my daughter alone, because it wont be long before it'll never be this way again. Although I have enjoyed every moment, I never thought it would have lasted this long.

This is where I throw my pity party. I kick and scream and cry alone because IT JUST ISNT FAIR. I was an amazing wife that didnt believe in quitting. My daughter is an amazing little girl that definitely is completely blameless and innocent and undeserving. I was told that I would be a wife again soon. These painful empty promises have become hurtful lies I told my heart every day so that I could function. And now, three years later I see that it was nothing more than a band-aid on a traumatic injury. I am going to be 31 at the end of the month. I thought somehow I would be remarried by now and pregnant with another child, and my daughter would have a man she could proudly call daddy. I am in a place where I have no exposure to other singles- Feel online dating is not the place for me- and yet I am incredibly alone and the novelty has long worn off.

My mom used to tell me "life isnt fair." My grandfather use to say that "You know youre alive if you can feel pain."My church tells me "compare yourself to the suffering of Christ." Friends tell me, "It'll happen when you arent looking for it."

I guess for me, I just need to acknowledge my pain finally, and cry this one out. I tend to avoid crying if possible. Most of us do. It shows weakness- At this moment I am weak. Maybe this hurt will heal, maybe it wont. Simple validation and acknowledgement of perceptions, real or false, makes me confront the pain- instead of numbing it. Im tired of numbing it. So a pity party it is. I can figure out how to change this situation tomorrow- but tonight I think I need to cry because it is OK. Traumatic sadness happens.