I came home from work Saturday morning with a swollen throat, and the news that my daughter's room had been attacked by my sick-with-the-runs dog. Yippee for me. As I was scrubbing the dog doo out of the carpet, I found myself crying hysterically. I was so tired of being alone, so tired of taking care of everything on my own, so tired of being the strong one to keep things together. I broke down. After the haz-mat clean up was completed, I laid down for a nap.
Later that day, I my daughter wanted to have a sleep over at her cousins house. It was like 5:00pm, and I suddenly found myself at home, without a child. Let me rephrase that... it was like 5:00pm ON SATURDAY, and I didnt have a child. I was completely alone. Now, any other parent would take advantage of this time by calling up a friend and going out. But I was sick. I was feverish, and my throat was hurting terribly. So, here I was on the couch, ALONE again, without anyone to attend to my needs, or just hold me. I found my self throwing a Saturday night Pity Party for one.
I ate some pasta from the tupperware on the couch while watching Desperate Housewives. I dreaded going to bed, that is the part of being alone I hate the worst. So I drank three mojitos to get myself up the stairs. And there I laid alone, in a bed built for two, in a house made for three. I thought about calling up some company to chat, but knew that would cause problems that would last longer than this loneliness would. I thought a lot about past relationships, and how it didnt work. I thought a lot about why it didnt work. I thought a lot about me, and how I know I am good alone... except for nights like these. I was beginning to get teary again, and decided I need to think about the type of man that I wanted, rather than focus on the past. I wanted a strong man that could come along side of me and help me in life. I wanted a partner that was interested in taking care of me as much as I wanted to take care of him. I wanted... before I knew it the sun was up and the birds were singing and I was feeling so much better knowing I could get through the loneliness without weakness.