Confession: Pattern of Choosing the Unavailable

I was jogging trying to burn some of the energy I had. Jogging has always been a place that I could think and center my soul again if I was feeling unbalanced in life. Lately I have been jogging more than usual. Today, while jogging, I was hit with an epiphany: I have always chosen men that are unavailable to me. Whether they were unavailable in maturity, emotionally unavailable, or unavailable in circumstance. I have never dated a man that is available to me. This fact baffled me because I have never wanted anything more than to give myself completely to a man and him to me and spend the rest of my life making him happy. A man that could be my best friend and I would be his. I am a pretty independent girl- and I am not asking for a 24/7 kinda thing... in fact I am pretty sure that I would go crazy with that kind of constant attention. But just a best friend and a lover to share the rest of my life with. So-if that is what I have always wanted- why have I sabotaged my own aspirations and established a pattern of dating men that are unavailable?!

Immediately I wonder what is wrong with me? What makes me attracted to these unavailable men? What is it they all have in common?

I have never been good at putting up walls and not letting people in. I am generally open with my life. I wear my heart on my sleeve and despite my best attempts to hide what I am thinking- its inevitably written across my face with clear expression. I naturally trust people without first waiting for them to give me a reason to trust them. I feel that most good things are temporary and that I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall and things to end.

 A man that is unavailable is possibly a challenge for me. I want what I cant have. Although I have never had an affair, I would imagine that it could possibly be the same. I have always been the good girl that loved her some bad boy. Most of the time it was because I was able to look into his eyes and see some sort of good that was there. Im a natural optimist- so I would focus on the good that I saw in him and disregard the bad. Part of the bad I disregarded so quickly was that he was not available to me. He couldn't be my best friend, he couldn't treat me the way a woman needs to be treated, he had other non-essential priorities (hobbies, friends, etc) that he placed in front me. And most of the time I let him do this because I was so focused on that good- or maybe because his inability just hurt too much to dwell on.

So why did I allow this to happen? I now wondered what it was that I was hiding from. Could it be that a girl that had dreams and aspirations to find a commitment worth fighting for, was hiding behind the walls of others? Was it that I was too afraid of failure to allow myself a valiant try?

Whatever the reason I have decided that it needs to stop. If I want true devotion- I need to start with dating the men that can fill those shoes. I have to stop seeing the good in his eyes- and instead look at the WHOLE PICTURE. Does he have the ability to give me everything that he has got- or is there something that holds him back from me? It's time for me to stop chasing what I will never catch, and find a catch that is worth a lifetime of chasing.

Daddy Shopping: My Series For Solo-Moms Regarding Dating

Online Dating: Really??? Am I gonna do this seriously?!

I couldn't believe that I was about to fill out an online dating application for Match.com. I knew I was in a place that I felt ready to find Mr. Right- I was no longer carrying the emotional pain my divorce left me with. But this is what my dating life really resorted too? Browsing ads, weighing options like I was shopping for a vehicle: Looks, Marital Status, Faith, Likes/Dislikes, Occupation, Amount of previous children, Likeliness of wanting children in the future, etc. This all felt so impersonal honestly, but I am a solo mom with full custody of my daughter and I work full time to pay the bills. I don't have the luxury of child support to help out. So, I don't have a lot of time or resources to spend at a gym, church, or Barnes and Nobles shopping Mr. Right. As impersonal as it felt, I knew that if I wanted to try this and see if it really worked- I would have to make a valid attempt to make it personal.

I had researched the online dating sites, and after considering eHarmony.com. and Match.com, I decided to go with the latter because it allows you to search for people- rather than pick from what the website recommends to you as a potential match. I wanted to do a site that participants pay for, with the idea that they would be more serious about finding a potential mate than some late-night company. (I have to also admit that the commercials for Match.com were inspiring, although eHarmony claims responsibility for 2% of all marriages in the US today. Does that also make them responsible for 1% of all divorces?? Ha ha ha- ok Cynical Erin needs to go have a time out now!)  


After writing a clever profile clearly outlining what I was looking for, I started shopping. I was very direct in my profile that I was looking for a serious relationship- not a fling. Despite my best efforts I soon discovered that online dating had to be approached with a critical heart. It could be compared to an airport- quick pick-ups, and lots of baggage it seemed. I found that a lot of guys weren't interested in a commitment as much as a hook up. The rest of the guys seemed to carry baggage they were looking to drop off: jealous ex's, alimony, child support, but most of all damaged hearts not yet healed from the pain of divorce. Few carried that magic "potential" that I was in search of.

I began to honestly doubt the ability for something so impersonal to actually create a personal match of substance. I wont lie and say it isn't time consuming. Maybe because I was focused on making a valid attempt, but I emailed back every guy back that showed potential. I was constantly analyzing their words from a critical standpoint with my most common question to them being, "if you are so wonderful, why are you on Match.com??" I mostly was matched with cops, or other law enforcement details- which came with it's own set of baggage. I was picky... but I felt that I am holding enough in my hand to play the game with cutting discernment. Being picky did present challenges and it was a lot of effort to email back and forth in a timely manner, just to watch "potential" fizzle out in the end. The iPhone app helped. Exhausting.

I have never dated anyone that I wasn't first friends with. Dating sites eliminated this important building stone to relationships. It seemed to be that most guys were interested in jumping into a date without first meeting and just talking. They wanted to see if there was a chemistry before they were willing to put in the time and effort to build any more of a relationship. This totally freaked me out. I have always been more than slightly concerned with the fact that child predators will often position themselves to date single moms so they can have access to the children. If you have ever watch Chris Hanson on Dateline, you will find that there is always one guy that looks completely clean cut, normal, and a responsible member of society that has twisted ideas of sexual attraction. With this concern in mind, I did not divulge the detail that I was a solo mom immediately. I personally feel that I am much more comfortable with a man walking away from me because he doesn't like the fact that I have a child, rather than be attracted to me because I do. It is my job to protect this little girl of mine- if I don't protect her no one will.

After spending a little less than a month on Match.com, I did meet two great guys I totally clicked with on a friendship level. However, one of them I was not attracted to. As shallow as that might be, this is a dating site!! Attraction carries is an important role in a relationship. He also carried some baggage that I didn't rule him out for... but it wasn't giving him any points either. Since he was uninterested in becoming friends first and working on that- I was not interested. C'est la vie! In time I realized that the other guy was not interested in a long term relationship, but rather a temporary distraction. Honesty is important in a relationship, and he had stated he was divorced on his profile... in reality he hadnt yet filed. Be open to compare what his profile says with what you see to gain clarity and avoid spinning your wheels and wasting energy.
     
I did have two moments of funny awkwardness... One when a good friend of mine from years ago found me on the there. We had a good chuckle over our inability to score a date with someone of substance and found ourselves shopping online. The second moment of awkwardness was when I found my old coach from when I was 14. I was just writing him to say hi, and I think because I was using a dating site to say hi, lines got crossed and things got very awkward because of the potential for creepiness. (Let me take a moment to say that it never got close to creepy! He was a gentleman completely. I think it was just awkward because it could be perceived as creepy. LOL!!) 

Dont forget when writing a profile to carefully protect your little one and yourself.
Many child predators target single parents because of the availability it gives them to the children.
So know when to fail to mention you have a child... and know when it is time to brag on your little one.
Most of all- remember that even though you have interacted online- THEY ARE STRANGERS.

Here are some websites with information on online dating I found useful!!

10 top dating sites:
http://www.top10bestdatingsites.com/?kw=top%2520online%2520dating%2520sites&c=8318517667&t=search&p=&m=e&adpos=1t2&a=1&gclid=CMDHx9yFqasCFRpkgwodJiJmCQ
The Internet Dating Guide
http://www.theinternetdatingguide.com/2005/12/pros_cons_of_online_dating.html

Happy Hunting!

Tea Party for Fun?!

As adults we have swarays, dinner parties, BBQs, and shindiggs just for fun all the time. There doesnt need to be an occasion for us to call up some friends to come over and hang out. Childrens' parties shouldn't be an exception!!

Being that my daughter is the only child, she craves social engagement. So, when she came up with the idea of having a tea party- I encouraged the creativity and excitement!! We went to the neighborhood Thrift store to pick up some missed matched tea cups, pots, saucers, creamers, and sugar bowls. She loved this part because she got to pick the ones she wanted. We also picked up a fancy semi-yellow dress for her for $5!!

She was ecstatic about her formal dress and her new tea set and couldn't wait to use it!

Tea cups and last-nights' left overs!

They took turns serving each other and using manners

The kids all got dressed up!

This was an excellent lesson in division, as the kids divided up their cakes evenly amongst themselves!

The practiced their best table conversation!

The older kids helped the younger kids do it themselves!

They took turns serving each other and using proper manners.

We used juice instead of tea in our tea pots, and Little Debbie Zebra cakes and chocodiles.

Cheers!

Building a Vision

Daddy Shopping: My Series For Solo-Moms Regarding Dating

In my last post I discussed the importance of dating with vision. I promised a list of questions to help provoke thought and build vision... here they are! (Feel free to add more if you have them!! I am still building my vision, so I can use the input as well!!)

• Dont ask for a Prince Charming unless you are prepared to be a Fairytale Princess!!!
• You can only demand as much perfection as you have... nonetheless DONT SELL YOURSELF SHORT because you have weaknesses and failures!!

• Know yourself!! 
• What are your strengths?
• What are your weaknesses?
• What inspires you?
• What impassions you?
• What do you want to change about yourself?
• What do you love about yourself?

• The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Therefore we have to reflect on each past relationships and determine what worked and what didnt.
• Where did you meet?
• How long after dating did you tell him you loved him?
• Did you plan on changing him?
• How clear was your "love sight"? Were you in love with your portrayal of him or with who he was in reality?
• How did your relationship end? What role did responsibility did you hold?

• What role do you want your partner to have in raising your child? Discipline? Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual support and influence?

• How do you picture your life in 5, 10, 20, 50 years?
• Married?
• Working?
• More Children?
• Own a house?
• Traveling?

These are just thought provoking questions. Please feel free to add your own... because I am in the same boat trying to find a good match and make choices that will bear successful results!
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Daddy shopping: Start Shopping with Vision

My series for solo-moms regarding dating.

I wish had a nickle for every time I went to the grocery store without a list and ended up with so much more than I was shopping for- I'd still be poor because most of those eye-catching impulse buys cost more than 5 cents! The point is that I start off going to the store with a vision of what I am looking for- and I end up distracted leaving with something I never intended on buying.

Heres the deal: Solo Moms dont really have the luxury of dating for fun. We have our child(ren) 100% of the time, and the other parent is no longer in the picture. We are working to support our little ones, and with our time off we are spending it enjoying the snot out of them! I know, I have a lot of guilt if I get a sitter for any reason not work related!! Seriously, get a sitter so I can go out on a date... I dont have the time or energy to invest in blindly feeling out Mr. Right from all the Mr. Right-Nows. Also, for most Solo Moms I know, falling in love is a calculated choice... rarely can we be sweet talked and wooed with flowers. So, lets harness this newly found power, and focus it into a vision of what we are looking for!

10 Reasons why you should start dating with a vision:

1. You give your dating a purpose.
2. You (and more importantly your little one) wont have your heart involved with someone that shouldnt be a part of your forever future.
3. Solo moms dont have time to waste dating Mr. Right-Nows- this will help you avoid squander your valued time resulting in an unproductive outcome.
4. You are able to teach your child an important lesson: never compromise, value yourself, and expect  and only accept the best.
5. You get to embrace your freedom and freely enjoy your time alone with your child(ren).
6. You have a chance to avoid the pitfalls and mistakes made before.
7. It isnt just about you anymore- you have the hearts of your children that may become invested and attached... as mothers we will do just about anything to protect our babies! Dating shouldnt be any different.
8. Make dating a life lesson for your child by showing your child with your actions that you value yourself and them.
9. Creating a vision will help you choose wisely this time around.
10. Finding the man that fits that vision will help you to eliminate insecurities that can cause doubt.

Next post: Questions to provoke visionary thoughts of Mr. Right!

Fractured Family?!

I was sitting among family and friends recently when it was casually stated, "There are more and more FRACTURED families out there these days." The word hit me like a verbal assault. I knew that the intent wasnt to offend me, but I also knew that I illustrated the intent behind the use of "Fractured Family": a single parent, divorced, or re-blended family. The offense made me think.


Merriam-Webster defines the medical term Fractured: (noun) the act or process of breaking or the state of being broken; specifically : the breaking of hard tissue (as bone).

Quick medical run down of a fracture in layman terms:
   - Fracture: hard tissue is broken (bone is broken)
   - Cartiliage begins to weave through out the bone forming a "fracture callous" binding the hard tissue together
   - Hard tissue begins to heal using the fracture callous as support.
   - Eventually, the fracture callus is remodeled into a new shape which closely duplicates the bone's original shape and strength.
 
I love love  LOVE that last part... the part that reads: duplicates the original shape and strength.

Just thinking outside the box, why is a family that has been broken, have to continue to be labeled as "fractured"... even after healing has set in? If the family doesnt fit the traditional mold: mother, father, and 2.5 kids, why is it still considered broken?? Yes, there is overwhelming studies that have proven that children thrive the best when there is a father and mother that are involved and are supportive in their lives. Yet, I have seen the damages first hand of a child that is involved in a family that, although intact, is fractured in every way. "Thrive" is not the word that would be used to describe the effects on that child. The family unit, although intact technically, is weak and broken. Broken and weak is the complete opposite of the life my daughter and I have recreated together for our family. OUR FAMILY. Her and I are a complete family unit, a very much intact, strong, supportive and functioning family. Hardly fractured now.

I implore those of you that use this term to think twice before you use it again. To vocalize this definition to describe a single parent family portrays a weakness. This injects that weakness into a healing environment, and rather than supporting and encouraging restoration after disintegration- it undermines the regenerative advancements and continues to recognize the family in it's most painful state- broken. This implies a hopelessness. It illustrates to the child, as well as the parent, that they are missing something; like a puzzle that never can be completed without the missing piece. And what do we do with puzzles that are missing pieces?? We throw them away. They are useless. Let's change our thinking. Let's build our families up, and use edifying definitions to describe those that dont fit in the "normal" box of society.

Geo-caching Fun!

Our youngest navigator

The first time I heard of it I was thinking Geo-what? Does it involve cash?!! Its called Geo-caching. It is a world wide treasure hunt. Hidden in common places among almost all communities are small treasures to find. People hid items with clues in random places in a worldwide underground scavenger hunt. Although, popular among adults, it is especially fun for kids! It is challenging for all ages, doesn't cost any money to do, and all you need is access to the internet and your thinking caps!

There are lots of websites that you can go to... and even lots of free apps for your smart phone. We liked www.geocaching.com

We choose a geo-caching series in our community that is on a five-mile loop. With every find, you receive a letter with it's position in a 10-letter word. When you find all the letters, you get to see what the word is! We joined my sister and my nine nieces and nephews for a day long hunt!

Our Geo Crew

We started walking...

Our 1st clue: Look to the stars

Found it

We opened it to find a list to add our name to and a green army guy

The list we added our names to, and the little green army guy

Found another

Reach high

Found another

Everyone gets involved

The Clue: You have to fish around for this, we discovered it was hanging by fishing line down a pole

Adding our name to another

Mmmm... we shared some shaved ice as we kept searching

Although, we didnt find all the locations, we had a lot of fun! We can always come back and finish later

What a fun activity for the whole family!!