Hindsight: 20/20
I struggle to decipher between fear and intuition. I was thinking about what it was like before I married my ex. I can remember feeling like there was something wrong with the situation and I should just walk away, drop the engagement, and cancel the wedding plans. We rushed into engagement with mach speed. I just wanted to be married and I thought that no matter what, I could make things work as long as we both committed to never quitting. I can remember talking to a wonderful friend of mine and telling him that I wasn't sure. Was this cold feet? Was I scared? Or was there more to this? Turns out I might have followed my intuition and saved myself a lifetime of grief and pain, but then again I would never have my sweet daughter that lightens up my every day. Nonetheless, I wont do it again. I wont force something that just isn't working. I am afraid my hindsight sharpened causing my foresight to weaken sometimes.
Rose Colored Lenses
These days I feel bound by logic. Yes, logic is a good thing when considering future dads for my angel. I need to have a clear unbiased view of a man before entering into a lifelong
commitment. With that being said, I am afraid my attraction is based on stats. What happened to physical attraction? What happened to carnal lusts? What happened to passionate kisses? That excitement and longing to be next to that one and feel their skin on yours. That passion that makes you constantly want to touch each other and never let go!! The complete awareness of their touch that makes your heart melt and walls crumble. The kiss that makes you weak. The first person that you want to talk to in the morning, and the last voice you want to hear at night? The kind of chemistry that leads to an intimate trust that holds a marriage together when things aren't easy. I don't want to cloud any clear view I may have. I know that sexual attraction can create rose colored lenses. Rose colored lenses seem to melt away his flaws and through them you see him as everything you want him to be- which is not ever the truth. Yet still, that rosy vision that induces desire is important and completely missing from me.Why?!
Distorted Lenses
It has been so long since I have found a man that I know would be both good for us, and I am sinfully attracted to. I wonder sometimes if I am capable of it. I was talking with a close friend recently about this. Hypothetically: I was being given the chance to have it all. He was sweet and kind, made me laugh, made me feel incredibly beautiful, wanted to adore me and my daughter.
The catch was I had to marry him in a week. My reaction: I was frozen in fear... or was it intuition?? She brought up a valid point: My ex, whom I was on all accounts very much in love with despite everything, tried to kill himself. He had decided that it would be better for him to die than to live the rest of his life with me. Her words brought me back immediately to that pain I buried. I remember picking him up from the Psych Hospital and reading his discharge papers: Person or Thing that Triggers You... My wife. All this anger comes boiling to the service as tears run down my face just thinking about that moment. I gave him everything, my happiness was hinged on his happiness. And yet, it was triggering his desire to end his life. My mom said it really all made sense, I was the person closest to him. This reality forced me to pull off the distorted lenses I was viewing my life with. I was in a fog that distorted weakness for strength, abuse for love, and an incapable dependent for an husband. It is easier to handle viewing my reality in those distorted lenses. The less reality I saw, the less painful it was.
High Definition
I was watching Sponge Bob with my daughter one day on a hi-def TV. It wasn't the same, as the soft cartoon-like lines that created the characters, were now digital pixels. This distracted me greatly from the joy of that cartoon!! I find myself looking at men through the High Definition Lenses, suddenly every imperfection, every annoying laugh, every nose hair, is amplified. The mystery is gone. There he is in all of his realistic definition. I have tested him and charted his responses, categorized him and rated him accordingly. I have deliberately and painfully managed to dissect him completely exposing his strengths and weaknesses to eliminate my fear of the unknown, or my fear of being hurt. Sometimes this is a good thing, as I can quickly discern quality. And yet, I find if they make sense on paper, and they can and want to give me everything that I am asking and wanting, the high definition is too much for my libido to handle. I am no longer attracted to them. Maybe it is because the mystery is lost. Maybe because I have viewed them from every angle assessing him in different environments, taken him apart to see what makes him tick. Demystification resulted in a loss of interest, although it seemed to intensify my assurance in capability. Truth is, I don't want my life to be viewed in hi-def either. There has to be balance.
Maybe It Is Time To Ditch The Glasses
I currently wear glasses, mostly at work. Truth be told, I can be a shy person. For some reason glasses are somewhat a source of security to me, like a blanket would be for a child. I feel like I need to be challenged to take these lenses I have been viewing men through off. I need to let go of my past hurts and insecurities and start new. I need to view him exactly as he is, and not over analyze his every move and therefore demystify myself. I need to see him through my eyes, and decide if there is that passionate attraction that can keep a marriage together through the rough times. I need to stop over analyzing, and simply be realistic. Perfection warrants perfection. I am no way near perfect. But I do know that I am amazing, and therefore warrant amazing. Amazing is what I will aim for.
