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I am a wife, mother, and step-mom. I am not perfect, but try my best to reduce damage control. I have incredible family and friends that encourage us on this adventure. My mom always told me that motherhood isnt for whimps... and I couldn't agree more!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Creating Revolution: Personal Confessions of my Heart

Revolution: (Noun) a sudden, radical, or complete change.

I need a revolution. Something to change whatever it was that I am doing that is holding me here stagnant. The truth is this: I love being a mom, I miss being a wife, and I am tired of living the life that he left behind. It took me two years to get to this point. I didnt want my life to change for the longest time; partially to keep things stable for our daughter. On a personal love life level: I continually operated in the same pattern because it is what I know and am comfortable with. I also want him to hate himself seeing the life that he left behind continue without him. But he didnt hate himself. Instead he has happily moved on with his life starting over again on the other coast without a notion of regret. And here I am stuck in the same place I was when he left two years ago. Nothing has changed.

This idea of a revolution is an accumulation of so much:

I realized this summer how much I rely on my daughter to be my companion. She became the one that I depended on to keep me from being lonely. She is the reason that I sometimes do not go out to date- she is an excuse to avoid intimacy. I need to cut that umbilical cord. I need to not depend on her to keep me safe any longer. I need to take risks and date new people and find the man I was meant to be married to for the rest of my life. Finally find the man that will be a daddy to her, because that is what she wants so badly.

I need to stop filling the emptiness in my life with retail therapy. I have always struggled with this. I am not one for figures and numbers honestly. I can make the money just fine... but I need an allowance to keep myself from overspending and living paycheck to paycheck. I get sad, empty, feel alone, and shopping for needless items brings me happiness and something to look forward to. As silly as this may sound, coming home with a new smelly candle to light will inspire me to clean the entire house and keep it clean for days. I look at it in my clean house and fell content. This keeps me busy and distracts me from the emptiness in my heart and home. But while I clean the house I find other things that I need to buy... not to mention I love buying impulse buys for my daughter. I have filled her room with them. I am teaching her that new things make you happy. This is the wrong message to send. I know I need to stop.

I need to stop attracting men that are unavailable to me. My history is full of the emotionally unavailable- and I twist that unavailability to be a need I want to fill for them. This put me into a role that I know all too well. I am comfortable caring for someone with needs. I am not happy or moving anywhere, but it is a pattern I could operate in without fear of intimacy. I need to stop attracting the men that aren't ready for a healthy commitment of marriage. I need to start recognizing men that are takers and will leave me empty and dry and seek out the men possessing a healthy balance of give and take. I need to make marriage a life goal that I am actively and purposely pursuing. A place I can invest and receive deposits of love as I share experiences and events in life and fall deeply in love like Ive never know before.

FINALLY: I need to reclaim a life that IS mine. I am done waiting for him to return and rob me of all that I have tried to build since his departure. I have closed that door and burned that bridge, but I have been still standing at the door step waiting... for what?! It IS time for me to move on. I need to close other doors that I have kept open in fear of change. I need to be ok with saying goodbye. I need to be ok with closure. I need to be ok facing my future without any bridges or promises to fall back on. I need to find friends that are in the present and I can build a future with. I need to let go of friendships built on my past. I have nothing in common with my past any longer. I overstayed my welcome, and it is time for me to close that door and walk away because I am now in a different place and moving in a different direction. A new direction full of promise and hope. I am not the same person I was then. I will not be identified by my past- although it did help shape who I am today, I am so much more than just my past.

It is time for me to choose some life goals. It is time for me to make purposeful pursuit of these goals. It is time for heartbreak to burn to cold ashes, and hope to accumulate into a wildfire consuming every part of my life changing my path forward forever.

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